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In Japan, the NES was called the Family Computer, or “Famicom,” and it looked completely different.
In addition, quite a few of its games never made it over to the US of A. Sometimes the reason why is unclear, but for many of them, I could guess that the reason was “because they were too freakin’ weird for American gamers.”
And for that argument I present Exhibit A: the Famicom Star Wars game. If you’ve seen the AVGN’s Star Wars Games vid, then you already know that this game is batshit insane.
And since I apparently didn’t have my fill of insanity with the ESB NES game, I’m diving into the Famicom Star Wars game.
It starts off with the opening crawl and a decent cutscene of Tantive 4 being captured, then we immediately (and abruptly) jump to Luke finding Leia’s message in R2.
As you can see, the ROM I have is untranslated, so I’m going to imagine that Luke’s saying “Oh wow, I wanna bang my sister SO BAD!” Also, why does Leia look like she’s praying?
Anyway, the Jawas grab R2 and Luke has to go rescue him and WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HIS SPRITE?
What the FUCK? Why does Luke’s sprite have BLACK HAIR? If it’s not getting the color of Luke’s lightsaber wrong, it’s getting his hair color wrong. DO these game developers actually watch the movies?
But hey, at least they FINALLY get his lightsaber color right . . . even though he shouldn’t HAVE the lightsaber before seeing Obi-Wan.
And no, I have no idea what the thing that looks like an owl Gremlin with glasses is supposed to be.
Well, you jump around Tatooine and lightsaber different creatures until you make it to the sandcrawler. Pretty generic stuff, but at least the music is continuous and DOESN’T keep dropping out. Nothing more to say about that, so let’s head inside.
And for some reason there are stormtroopers in the sandcrawler because why not? When in doubt, stick in some stormtroopers who just walk back and forth and don’t even try to attack you.
The sandcrawler also has other creatures in it – and did I mention that you die with one hit? Shit, the US Star Wars games were hard, but at least they gave you life bars. Also, when you kill enemies you collect these blue crystal things and as of now I have no idea what they’re for. Maybe they’re kyber crystals to power your lightsaber or something.
After a few rooms, you find Darth Vader. In the sandcrawler. Yes, DARTH VADER IS IN THE SANDCRAWLER, I AM NOT SHITTING YOU.
Well, this will save Luke a lot of time to defeat Vader now. Luke says something in Japanese that I don’t understand, so I’ll imagine it’s “Well Dad, you owe twenty years’ worth of child support!” You lightsaber him a few times and then he turns into a scorpion.
And you thought the sequel trilogy had crazy Force powers – here we have “Force-transform into scorpion!” Wouldn’t THAT have been a useful power in the movies! When you’re in a tight situation, just Force-transform yourself into a scorpion and bite your enemies!
If the Vader scorpion touches you one time, you’re dead, so you have to do a lot of jumping. When you defeat it, you get a huge crystal and I’m still not sure what the crystals are for.
Well, now it’s time to get R2 back from the Jawas who look like gobs of shit with eyeballs. Yeah yeah, that’s something the AVGN would say, but just LOOK at them.
The Jawas also speak Japanese, apparently. I’ll imagine that they’re saying. “We fucked your droid and he loved it.” Now we’re back outside and lightsabering more stormtroopers who just walked back and forth.
Oh sure, after the stormtroopers have been doing nothing except walk, THEN you bring in one that shoots and kills me in one shot. Thanks a lot, game. I’m starting to gain a new appreciation for the ESB NES game.
One generic trek across the Tatooine sands later, you get to Mos Eisley. So wait, we’re not going to talk to Obi-Wan? Or did Luke ALREADY visit Obi-Wan before the game started? Did he just have his lightsaber from the beginning because Uncle Owen wasn’t afraid that he’d follow Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade? WHAT IS GOING ON?
And guess what, we don’t even get to SEE Mos Eisley! Nope, the Falcon just immediately takes off, so no meeting Han and Chewie either. FUCK, how can you have an ANH game without going to Mos Eisley??? That’s just WRONG.
Obi-Wan says something in Japanese – okay, I guess we DID pick up Obi-Wan . . . somewhere. I’m imagining that he’s saying “You think I’m an old fossil, Solo? Well someday you’re going to name your kid after me!” Now we’re in the Falcon and shooting TIES much like in the American Star Wars game. You shoot a couple of TIES and then . . . wait, what now?
The Falcon lands somewhere with TALKING FROGS?? Okay, I know this is a universe with all sorts of weird creatures, but where were the talking frogs in the movie? Come on, show me the talking frogs in the movie! I don’t know what they’re saying – maybe it’s “Have you seen our cousin Yoda,” or “Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here,” or “Excuse me, we’re looking for the Muppet convention” – who cares, they’re TALKING FROGS, and you’ve gotta kill them! Yup, Luke is gonna lightsaber TALKING FROGS.
I have no idea where we are, either. Is this the Death Star? Alderaan? Or did Han just get Luke high? In addition to the talking frogs, there are also these weird little blocks with faces that look like Egyptian Pharaohs because why the hell not?
You can also collect a blaster here, wherever the fuck “here” is.
And WHAT THE FUCK, now there’s an actual MUMMY? AM I in Egypt?? Did these game designers see Tatooine and think “desert = Egypt”??
Well you jump around on the tiny platforms for a while until you get to what looks like an actual Egyptian temple.
Sure, why not? You want Luke to go to Egypt, have him go to Egypt. It’s not like he has a princess to save or a Death Star to blow up or anything like that.
Inside the temple, you hop on some platforms, dodge a fireball, go down a ladder, and find . . . Obi-Wan? Is that supposed to be him trying to shut down the tractor beam? Wait, IS this the Death Star after all? Well of course, why wouldn’t they make the Death Star look like an Egyptian temple? Doesn’t the Death Star just SCREAM “Egypt” in the movie?
I’m gonna guess that we have to get to Obi-Wan somehow, but this Egypt/Death Star/acid trip/whatever the fuck it is place is wearing me out. Let’s have a break, why don’t we?
In addition, quite a few of its games never made it over to the US of A. Sometimes the reason why is unclear, but for many of them, I could guess that the reason was “because they were too freakin’ weird for American gamers.”
And for that argument I present Exhibit A: the Famicom Star Wars game. If you’ve seen the AVGN’s Star Wars Games vid, then you already know that this game is batshit insane.
And since I apparently didn’t have my fill of insanity with the ESB NES game, I’m diving into the Famicom Star Wars game.
It starts off with the opening crawl and a decent cutscene of Tantive 4 being captured, then we immediately (and abruptly) jump to Luke finding Leia’s message in R2.
As you can see, the ROM I have is untranslated, so I’m going to imagine that Luke’s saying “Oh wow, I wanna bang my sister SO BAD!” Also, why does Leia look like she’s praying?
Anyway, the Jawas grab R2 and Luke has to go rescue him and WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HIS SPRITE?
What the FUCK? Why does Luke’s sprite have BLACK HAIR? If it’s not getting the color of Luke’s lightsaber wrong, it’s getting his hair color wrong. DO these game developers actually watch the movies?
But hey, at least they FINALLY get his lightsaber color right . . . even though he shouldn’t HAVE the lightsaber before seeing Obi-Wan.
And no, I have no idea what the thing that looks like an owl Gremlin with glasses is supposed to be.
Well, you jump around Tatooine and lightsaber different creatures until you make it to the sandcrawler. Pretty generic stuff, but at least the music is continuous and DOESN’T keep dropping out. Nothing more to say about that, so let’s head inside.
And for some reason there are stormtroopers in the sandcrawler because why not? When in doubt, stick in some stormtroopers who just walk back and forth and don’t even try to attack you.
The sandcrawler also has other creatures in it – and did I mention that you die with one hit? Shit, the US Star Wars games were hard, but at least they gave you life bars. Also, when you kill enemies you collect these blue crystal things and as of now I have no idea what they’re for. Maybe they’re kyber crystals to power your lightsaber or something.
After a few rooms, you find Darth Vader. In the sandcrawler. Yes, DARTH VADER IS IN THE SANDCRAWLER, I AM NOT SHITTING YOU.
Well, this will save Luke a lot of time to defeat Vader now. Luke says something in Japanese that I don’t understand, so I’ll imagine it’s “Well Dad, you owe twenty years’ worth of child support!” You lightsaber him a few times and then he turns into a scorpion.
And you thought the sequel trilogy had crazy Force powers – here we have “Force-transform into scorpion!” Wouldn’t THAT have been a useful power in the movies! When you’re in a tight situation, just Force-transform yourself into a scorpion and bite your enemies!
If the Vader scorpion touches you one time, you’re dead, so you have to do a lot of jumping. When you defeat it, you get a huge crystal and I’m still not sure what the crystals are for.
Well, now it’s time to get R2 back from the Jawas who look like gobs of shit with eyeballs. Yeah yeah, that’s something the AVGN would say, but just LOOK at them.
The Jawas also speak Japanese, apparently. I’ll imagine that they’re saying. “We fucked your droid and he loved it.” Now we’re back outside and lightsabering more stormtroopers who just walked back and forth.
Oh sure, after the stormtroopers have been doing nothing except walk, THEN you bring in one that shoots and kills me in one shot. Thanks a lot, game. I’m starting to gain a new appreciation for the ESB NES game.
One generic trek across the Tatooine sands later, you get to Mos Eisley. So wait, we’re not going to talk to Obi-Wan? Or did Luke ALREADY visit Obi-Wan before the game started? Did he just have his lightsaber from the beginning because Uncle Owen wasn’t afraid that he’d follow Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade? WHAT IS GOING ON?
And guess what, we don’t even get to SEE Mos Eisley! Nope, the Falcon just immediately takes off, so no meeting Han and Chewie either. FUCK, how can you have an ANH game without going to Mos Eisley??? That’s just WRONG.
Obi-Wan says something in Japanese – okay, I guess we DID pick up Obi-Wan . . . somewhere. I’m imagining that he’s saying “You think I’m an old fossil, Solo? Well someday you’re going to name your kid after me!” Now we’re in the Falcon and shooting TIES much like in the American Star Wars game. You shoot a couple of TIES and then . . . wait, what now?
The Falcon lands somewhere with TALKING FROGS?? Okay, I know this is a universe with all sorts of weird creatures, but where were the talking frogs in the movie? Come on, show me the talking frogs in the movie! I don’t know what they’re saying – maybe it’s “Have you seen our cousin Yoda,” or “Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here,” or “Excuse me, we’re looking for the Muppet convention” – who cares, they’re TALKING FROGS, and you’ve gotta kill them! Yup, Luke is gonna lightsaber TALKING FROGS.
I have no idea where we are, either. Is this the Death Star? Alderaan? Or did Han just get Luke high? In addition to the talking frogs, there are also these weird little blocks with faces that look like Egyptian Pharaohs because why the hell not?
You can also collect a blaster here, wherever the fuck “here” is.
And WHAT THE FUCK, now there’s an actual MUMMY? AM I in Egypt?? Did these game designers see Tatooine and think “desert = Egypt”??
Well you jump around on the tiny platforms for a while until you get to what looks like an actual Egyptian temple.
Sure, why not? You want Luke to go to Egypt, have him go to Egypt. It’s not like he has a princess to save or a Death Star to blow up or anything like that.
Inside the temple, you hop on some platforms, dodge a fireball, go down a ladder, and find . . . Obi-Wan? Is that supposed to be him trying to shut down the tractor beam? Wait, IS this the Death Star after all? Well of course, why wouldn’t they make the Death Star look like an Egyptian temple? Doesn’t the Death Star just SCREAM “Egypt” in the movie?
I’m gonna guess that we have to get to Obi-Wan somehow, but this Egypt/Death Star/acid trip/whatever the fuck it is place is wearing me out. Let’s have a break, why don’t we?
