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It’s time for the finale! Just a little more sweating, teeth-grinding, and cursing and we’ll be done with the game!

So, what’s your reward for shooting all those TIE Fighters in the last stage? That’s right, you get to shoot MORE TIE Fighters! Luke gets in his X-Wing to attack the Death Star and of course, a bunch of TIEs get in his way.

And guess what else? This stage is even MORE frustrating than the previous one. Remember those green fireballs the TIEs shoot? Well some of them will fly outside your crosshairs’ range, meaning they’ll hit you and you’re helpless against them. Best thing to do is shoot like an absolute maniac. Shoot like you want a catchphrase about how you shoot first.

After what feels like a million years of shooting, at long last you’re in the Death Star trench. This is it, the last level in the game – and the game suddenly changes to a side-scrolling shoot-em-up. Touch the walls and you’re dead. You’ll also have to lure the TIEs that chase you around into the walls or they’ll kill you, and since they somewhat blend in with the trench, it can be hard to see them coming.



Okay, I like shoot-em-ups, but I also SUCK at them, so this might take a while. But I’m NOT GIVING UP! I didn’t come this far to bail on the last level! Use the Force, Liesel! Let go, Liesel! Just some maneuvering, a proton torpedo shot at the right place . . .

. . . I did it.



Wow, medal ceremony reached (but why does it look like Han didn’t get a medal?). I did it. I beat the NES Star Wars game. Shit, before I started this blog I never got past the caves, but now . . . WHOA. Amazing what some motivation and perseverance can do.

So, what’s my final verdict on the game?

Well, the opening part is way too slow and having to explore every cave is damn irritating, but AFTER that, the game gets much better. It’s got a decent amount of level variety and being able to play Luke, Leia, and of course my Han is a plus. However, it's weird that neither Chewie nor Vader make a single appearance in the game. The music is good and while the difficulty is very high and finishing the game is definitely an uphill battle, that makes it all the more satisfying when you finally complete it. I actually got really into it as it progressed – it’s actually a shame that the beginning of the game is so weak, since it gets MUCH better later. Is it an amazing game? No, but it’s fun (after the caves) and it’s really satisfying to beat.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5.

However, now I have to take on my REAL 8-bit Star Wars nemesis. You thought this game was hard? Well just remember, after the Empire suffers a defeat, they’ll come back stronger than before.

And the Empire always strikes back.
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We’re back! Sorry it took a while, but work and school have to come first. Anyway, Han just became a playable character, so what’s next in store for the NES Star Wars game?

Well, Han’s blaster is much stronger than Luke’s, so that’s a plus, but he can’t use a lightsaber, which is a minus. Also, the music switches to Han and Leia’s love theme when you play as Han, even though he hasn’t met Leia yet.

I could switch back to Luke since he has the lightsaber, but this is my Han, dammit! I’m going to keep him at least until we leave Tatooine, even if he explodes a hundred times on the way. The pathway to Docking Bay 94 is crawling with stormtroopers and Boba Fett wannabe bounty hunters. Han doesn’t have a PRAYER against the bounty hunters who shoot a spray of fireballs in all directions, so he’d better do one of the things he does best: run. Oh, and now Jawas fall out of the sky and jump you as well, nice.

Well, it took a few tries, but I got to Docking Bay 94 without switching to Luke. Yeah, once again Han shows that you don’t need the Force to be awesome! But of course, once you arrive at Docking Bay 94, it can’t be as simple as just getting on the Falcon. First you fight through some more stormtroopers, then you find that a ladder’s blocking your way to the Falcon. Yes, a freakin’ LADDER’S keeping you from getting on the ship.

I’m STILL not switching to Luke, though.

Oh, of COURSE once you climb the ladder, there’s a gun turret right at the top. Why wouldn’t there be?



It’s time for another maze, and these damn gun turrets are EVERYWHERE. They shoot rapidly, they can’t be destroyed, and they’re virtually unavoidable. Oh, and THIS is rich – someone decided to put a Falcon shield in a corner behind TWO gun turrets.



I’m beginning to feel like the AVGN here, but SOMEHOW I managed to get the shield while only getting hit once, so I think that’s an accomplishment, but you’ve still got to fight your way past even more stormtroopers and gun turrets to get to the Falcon. Han, I love you, but WHY did you park your ship in the middle of such a convoluted maze?

FINALLY, I made it off of Tatooine without switching back to Luke! Give me a moment to do a happy dance and stare at the 8-bit rendition of Han’s beautiful face.



Oh wait, we’re not done? What, now we have to fly the Falcon through the remains of Alderaan? Wait, what do you MEAN I can’t shoot the rocks? WHY THE FUCK CAN’T THE FALCON SHOOT THE ROCKS??



Well yes, now you have to weave your way through the rocks that were once Alderaan and they’re FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Here’s where the Falcon shields you collected in the caves become essential – the number of shields you have determines how many times you can get hit before dying, but you’ll still do a LOT of dying. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the rocks’ pattern either – they’re just all over the place. Seriously, they seem to be more numerous here than the asteroids in ESB.

After a lot of tries, by some miracle I was able to get to the Death Star, thank the Force.

Should I switch back to Luke now? Maybe I’ll need the lightsaber for the Death Star, but I really like playing my Han. Honestly, this game’s kind of growing on me, especially now that we’re past the damn caves. It’s hard, but I’m finding it hard in a doable way.

The Death Star’s got a big maze of elevators – go up and down, reach a dead end, backtrack to last elevator, go up and down again. Oh, and mouse droids shoot at you. Yes, even MOUSE DROIDS are hostile in this game. After a while you’ll reach the computer terminal, then it’s up and down more elevators to the tractor beam generator, where you’ll actually have something that resembles a boss fight to disable the tractor beam (yup, the old fossil’s left you to do it for him). You’ve gotta climb ladders and shoot at the tractor beam’s weak spot while ducking the laser fire from moving gun turrets. It’s actually a pretty fun battle.



After the battle, guess what you have next? Right, more elevators. At least they’re not as annoying as the caves, and the layout isn’t too confusing . . . or maybe I was just lucky, since it only took me a few minutes to find Leia – who’s looking rather saucy.



Now you have Leia as a playable character – and she has her own theme music too. I gotta say, her buns make her sprite look . . . weird, like she's got a snail shell on her head or something.



Her blaster’s pretty useless, so I switched back to my Han. After going through more and more elevators, you end up in another maze of a room full of conveyor belts, hostile droids who can’t be killed (even GONK DROIDS can hurt you – and they’re invincible), and SPIKES. Why the Empire would build a room full of spikes in the Death Star, I have no idea. Maybe it’s like how there are always these catwalks over bottomless chasms in the movies.

I’m actually digging the sense of exploration through the Death Star. The game really does get better as it goes. Maybe if it didn’t start out with all those damn caves, then fewer people would rage-quit.

After this area, you end up in the trash compactor and have to fight the Dianoga while the sludge rises all around you. Great, I’m getting flashbacks to the Toxic Tower level from Donkey Kong Country 2 – one of the most teeth-gnashingly frustrating levels in any game ever and the main reason why I can’t love DKC2 as much as the first game.

Well, I did end up switching back to Luke for this part, since the lightsaber is much more effective against the Dianoga than Han’s blaster – in fact, it only takes one slice to kill it.



Uh-oh, now I’m at the final Death Star stage. If I remember correctly, this is the part that made the AVGN rage-quit. Am I stronger than him? Can my geekiness beat his nerdiness? The odds are against me, but . . . NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!

Well, you need Leia for this stage since she’s the best jumper, but her weapon is the weakest, so I’m swapping between the three of them. Swapping between them is also useful since they each have their own health bar. Spikes, spikes, spikes everywhere, so many spikes, so many air cannons that blow you right into the spikes. I’m not even going to bother with a screenshot, since if I take the time to take one, I’ll die from the spikes.

HOLY SHIT, I DID IT! I escaped the Death Star! YES! The rest of the game should be a piece of cake after all those damn spikes.



Now you’re back in the Falcon and gunning down TIEs. Hey look, you can move your crosshairs and shoot at the same time – take THAT, Atari 2600 Star Wars game!

And, uh, did I say the rest of the game would be a piece of cake? I’m already eating my words . . . uh, no pun intended. Those TIEs will kill you again and again and again and by the time you beat the stage your finger will be aching. But DAMN, it’s an awesome feeling when you finally beat it.

Well, we’re almost at the end, so I think it’s time for one more break. Next time, I will beat the game.
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I’m going to need a walkthrough for this game.

I’ve played it before and I never got off of Tatooine simply because I got lost while flying the landspeeder around the planet and going through caves (where I often fell to my death and exploded). It’s been a while since I last watched the Angry Video Game Nerd’s Star Wars Games vid, but I still remember how he said “it’s one of those ‘where the fuck do I go’ games!”

But now I’m going to take it on. Yes, watch out, NES Star Wars, here I come!



Well, after the opening cutscene of the droids’ escape pod landing on Tatooine and 3PO wailing about R2 running off, Luke enters his first cave. There’s dripping slime all around – touch it and you lose health. If Luke falls down to the spiky cave floor, you have just a few seconds to jump back up or he’ll explode. Yeah, the cave floor is apparently planted with explosives. With the slippery jumping controls and stalactites pushing me down, I got my first game over before I was out of the first cave.



Why is Luke looking for R2 in a cave, anyway? I don’t remember that part from the movie. But man, wouldn’t the movie have been much better if Luke had gone wandering around in a cave, jumping around platforms and exploding if he touched the cave floor?

Now I’m starting to remember why I never got very far in this game.

Well, eventually you get out of the cave, then it’s time for the “where the fuck do I go?” section – the landspeeder. You fly your landspeeder around Tatooine while avoiding banthas and gun turrets and whatnot and having no idea what you’re supposed to do. At least there’s some decent music. Eventually, out of either sheer luck or a walkthrough, you’ll end up in the Jawas’ sandcrawler (hint: it’s in the upper left-hand corner of the map).



“I can’t abide those Jawas! Disgusting creatures!” Trust me, you’ll feel like 3PO once you’ve played this. They rush at you and shoot you as if you’ve got expensive droids on your person, giving you barely any time to shoot them before they get you. Moreover, to call this place a maze is putting it nicely. I lost count how many dead ends I ran into. There are areas marked with up arrows – jump here to float up. Luke’s not even a Jedi yet and he can already levitate. Then there are conveyer belts that give you extra lift to your jumps if you time them right, but a lot of these belts have machinery that will crush you if you time it wrong. Oh, and did I mention that if Luke falls down too hard, he takes damage, even if it’s not on spikes? After a whole lot of wandering around and dying, you’ll FINALLY find R2, who’s just sitting around.

And guess what happens next? Visiting Obi-Wan? Mos Eisley? Nope, more caves! You’ve gotta go exploring through all the caves to collect Millennium Falcon shields that you’ll need later, and thanks to Tatooine’s confusing layout, you’ll very likely go through the same cave more than once. Each cave has its own set of hazards and enemies. In one cave, Tuskan Raiders keep charging you and they kill you as soon as they touch you. It wasn’t until I peeked at the walkthrough when I learned that you can shoot them, dash away to another platform, then kill them while they’re trying to reach that platform. After I learned how to do that, it became fun to lure them to their doom.

With either a walkthrough or hours of cave-trekking or luck, EVENTUALLY you’ll find Obi-Wan, in, what else, a cave! Yes, he’s just hanging out in a cave because he’s got nothing better to do. Shit, this game should be called “Star Wars: Luke’s Cave Adventure.”

After you meet up with Obi-Wan, he’ll give Luke Anakin’s lightsaber . . . which is yellow, for some reason. Maybe that’s why Rey made a yellow lightsaber. Anyway, you’ll NEED the lightsaber for Mos Eisley – the enemies there make the caves look like child’s play.



Aaah, going to Mos Eisley feels like a breath of fresh air after all those caves . . . well, fresh, dingy, alcohol-scented air. There’s also a really neat 8-bit rendition of the classic cantina music. Anyway, the place is absolutely crawling with Rodians. Seriously, it feels like Greedo’s family reunion. There are also these super-annoying purple creatures that look like Batman-things. They can’t be killed and they shoot super-harmful projectiles at you, so the best course of action is to run, jump over them, and hope for the best.

After making your way through the cantina and killing several of Greedo’s family members (heh, looks like Luke actually shot first), you run into my Han . . . who looks like he’s not wearing pants.



Seriously, look at that. HE’S NOT WEARING PANTS! Damn, I know you’re limited with what you can do with pixels, but how hard is it to render pants? Guess Han likes comfort when he hangs out at the cantina.

Funnier still, he becomes a playable character once you hire him – and THEN he puts his pants on.



OH MY GOD, I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING. Anyway, wow, I’ve never made it this far in the game before – I’ve always been stuck at the caves. Since my Han just became playable, this looks like a good place to take a break. See you later for when we leave Tatooine to go save the princess. I’ll leave you for now with this awesome Han Solo rap.

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Liesel Plays Star Wars Games

September 2024

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