Liesel Plays Star Wars Games

We’re here! The big epic face-off between Luke, Vader, and Palpatine!

( Level 35 )

Time to finish off Empire Strikes Back!

( Level 30 )

Dagobah time!

( Level 28 )

Time to finish Episode 4!

( Level 24 )

It’s time to begin the original trilogy! (Warning: screencap-heavy.)

( Level 19 )

Welcome back to Super Return of the Jedi! Now that we’ve played Wicket for a few levels, it’s time to go back to our normal heroes. We begin the next level with Luke telling Leia about their heritage.



Luke is the only playable character in the next level – he’s going off to turn himself in. Now it’s nighttime on Endor and it’s PRETTY!



I especially like how you can see the Death Star in the background. It also feels good to be a spinning death machine again with Luke’s lightsaber, though of course the level still doesn’t make things easy. You’ve got to jump and jump again on these movie platforms and if you miss, you hit the moving wheel-thing and lose health.



And of course, it doesn’t get easier when you get to the top and find yourself surrounded by stormtroopers, electrocuting walls, and laser turrets. But hey, it’s a nice bridge.



This level is a MAZE, going from bridge to forest to bridge and up and down moving platforms. You’ll probably find yourself running into dead ends, but at least there are plenty of hearts around.

Also, Luke sometimes shrugs when he stands idle, but it’s not as awesome as Han’s shrug, of course.



And I don’t know why, but I found these blue lights pretty funny.



After riding a lot of moving platforms, it will suddenly get darker and you’ll run into the boss.



Those two droids look menacing, but the actual boss is the ship, so that’s what you’ve gotta focus on slicing up. If you have the Heal Force-skill selected and use that when necessary, the ship should go down without too much trouble.

And hey look, finally Lando gets to do something in one of these games!



Not gonna lie, this next level’s kind of awkward. It’s yet another one of those shoot-TIEs vehicle levels, but instead of being in the cockpit, the camera’s positioned on TOP of the Falcon.



You’ve got to rotate the camera to rotate the Falcon’s top gun and shoot a certain number of TIEs. Yeah, at the time this would have been impressive to see, but now it just feels weird. Fortunately, it’s not a long level, and then we go back to Endor.



Gah, what’s with the lighting in that picture? It’s like the bunker’s sepia-toned. Anyway, if you pick Leia for this level, she’ll be in her fighting garb – and she can finally use a blaster!



Maybe the game developers wanted to make up for her not being playable in the previous two games by granting her the honor of being the only playable character with THREE different outfits in the same game. Anyway, I just wanted to show you that. After I took this screenshot, I reloaded my save state and picked my beloved Han.

The bunker is of course full of stuff that wants to murder you, but that’s to be expected by now. Stormtroopers, electric fences, hostile droids, and lots of gun turrets. Funny thing, when you shoot one of the big guns, it sits there smoking until you leave.



Once again, you’ve got a shit-ton of moving platforms to ride and while you’re riding you pass by cannons that shoot fire at you because why not? The Empire really, REALLY doesn’t want you here. You’ll also run into these annoying walls that you have to shoot through. Hopefully you’ll have found some blaster powerups by the time you get to them.



If you manage to get through the maze of moving platforms and enemies, you’ll find a speed powerup that sends you going SUPER fast, which is hilarious to watch, but it doesn’t protect you from getting hurt. Finally you’ll find yourself standing on one of those destructible floors with a convenient arrow showing you what to do.



After blasting through the floor, you’ll find yourself spinning around on a giant wheel.



You spin Han right round baby, right round, like a record baby, right round, right round . . . oops, did I say that out loud? Well, Han actually gets sent off on a whole SERIES of wheels, each of which has a big gun in the middle that you have to take out and a helpful arrow showing you which way to go.



After the maze of wheels, guess what, you’re in a maze of TOWERS. Enter a tower and it transports you to another tower, always guarded by enemies – though you can use the respawning enemies to your advantage if you keep killing them and collecting the hearts they drop.



And guess what? After the towers, you get . . . MORE WHEELS! It’s almost like the Empire doesn’t want you to blow up the shield generator or something!

You think that’s enough? Of COURSE it’s not enough! Then you run down a hallway where there periodically shoot GIANT LASERS that electrocute you like there’s no tomorrow – in addition to smaller laser gates that ALSO electrocute you. Fortunately, if you manage to get through it alive, there’s a large heart and a blaster powerup waiting for you, but getting through the hallway alive is a challenge. Hopefully you have full health when you start.

The boss is – you guessed it – the shield generator itself. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a screenshot, but this thing looks super-menacing with a GIANT LASER, and you’ve got to fight it WHILE hopping around on constantly moving platforms. Fortunately, it’s really vulnerable to Han’s grenades, so if you’ve stocked up a bunch of them, it shouldn’t be too hard.

Well, now that the shield is down, it’s time to join Luke inside the Death Star to confront Vader and Palpatine. We’re almost at the end!

I shouldn’t even have to say at this point that everyone and everything in the Death Star want you dead. The stormtroopers and hostile droids apparently didn’t get the memo about how Vader wants to turn Luke to the dark side. Anyway, after fighting your way through a wave of enemies, you’ve got to jump your way through these platforms.



Looks simple, but most of them SINK DOWN as soon as you step on them, so you’ve got to have lightning-fast jumping. Also, as you jump up, you’ll be able to collect LOTS of health swords than increase your maximum heath. While that may seem like a blessing, that’s also a sign that you’ll NEED them.

Like for example, you’ll need them for . . . THESE things.



These droids are huge, they’re relentless, and they take a billion hits to kill. Make sure you have full health and the Heal Force skill selected and pray that you’re faster than them. Fortunately, they end the level. Now it’s time to join Lando on the Falcon again.



This is one of those simple “shoot X number of enemies” vehicle levels, with some nice Mode-7 to boot.



You’ve got to fly around the Death Star’s surface and shoot twenty TIEs before they get you. Fortunately, most of them drop hearts when you kill them, so this level shouldn’t be too hard. Afterwards, it’s finally time for Luke to face Emperor Palpatine himself.



Palpatine’s theme sounds nice and creepy in its 16-bit rendition too. Anyway, even though Palpatine just talked to Luke, since this is a video game, Luke still needs to get to the throne room. Compared to some of the other levels, it’s not too too hard to get through – the way is pretty straightforward and the enemies are numerous but manageable, especially since there are big hearts placed fairly frequently.

Of course, there are still a bunch of elevators to ride and a bunch of tiny platforms to hop on – and wherever there’s a door, it’s guaranteed that an endless wave of stormtroopers will come out.



You’ve got to keep going up, and up, and UP – Palpatine’s throne room is at the tippy-top of this seemingly-endless tower, but you feel a rush while doing so since you’re so close to victory.

Eventually you’ve got to face ANOTHER one of those giant droids. Oh crap.



You can’t outrun it, either – it will just keep following you. Your only choice is to kill it. Yeah, good luck with that. The level doesn’t end after you kill it, either. Instead you go a little ways forward, hear Palpatine cackle in the distance, and run into one of his guards.



Why is the guard’s robe purple instead of red? Did the programmers decide it fit better with the level’s color scheme? Ah well, the important thing is that it’s not hard to kill. THAT’S the end of the level, and woo boy, we’re almost there! Almost there!

Now Luke needs to face more guards – and now they’re in their proper red robes, so I don’t know why that one guy was wearing purple. Maybe he’s a rogue guard or something.



The guards will jump you REALLY fast and they can slide from side to side in the blink of an eye, so you have to be on your toes. You can slice open the little containers that look like trash cans and hope they have refills of your Force meter, because you’ll REALLY need that Heal skill to face . . . DARTH VADER HIMSELF!



His fighting pattern is pretty similar to his pattern in the ESB game – he’ll jump up in the air, land, then start swinging his lightsaber around. Keep swinging at him and keep healing and he’ll go down.



Of course, then Palpatine starts taunting Luke and Luke snaps out of it, which means now you’ve got to fight the mighty Emperor himself.



As you can imagine, Palpatine is a bitch to beat. He flies through the air shooting lightning in all directions. You’d BETTER heal whenever you’re low on health or you’re doomed. You’d also BETTER not waste those Force power refills in those trash can things. Moreover, his lightning can even zap holes in the floor that you can fall through. If he zaps enough, you won’t have anywhere to stand. It takes quite a few tries, but MAN, is it satisfying when you finally beat him. Oh YEAH, take that, Sidious! Fall down that shaft only to be reincarnated thirty years later!



Of course, then poor Anakin’s got to die too.



But the game’s not over yet. We’ve still got to blow up the second Death Star, remember? Now it’s time to go inside the Death Star in a 3-D Mode-7 perspective. It’s pretty neat, but unfortunately, the emulator I’m using is causing the screen to flicker every few seconds, so I can’t provide a screenshot. It’s still playable, though, and it’s still neat to see something so ambitious. This level is extremely straightforward – just fly through the Death Star while shooting TIEs. Of course, once you’ve hit the core, then you’ve gotta get out before the thing blows.



Here it is. The LAST level. It’s just like the previous level – except everything’s on fire and the fire’s going to catch up to you unless you’re super-fast. I’ve got the same screen-flickering issue as in the previous level, so no screenshots.You’ve gotta hold down B and try not to collide with anything or touch any of the explosions and it’s GODDAMN HARD.

In fact, I have a confession to make.

I used a cheat code.

Yeah . . . I used an infinite health cheat code to get through the level because I was so goddamn frustrated. I made my way through the previous games without resorting to cheat codes, but this one BROKE me.

But anyway, the Death Star blew up and we get fireworks and a party (why does Luke look like part of his neck got chopped off?).



And a few friends joined the party from beyond the grave!



(Not a word about how Lucasfilm WAH RUINED THE ENDING BY PUTTING HAYDEN IN – this was long before that anyway.)

Also, HOLY SHIT YOU SEE PALPATINE BEHIND THE CREDITS AND HEAR HIS CACKLING DURING THEM! That proves it! The game developers saw into the future and KNEW that Episode 9 would bring him back! It was all planned!



Or that’s what I’d say if I were a conspiracy theorist. Anyway, this was an awesome conclusion to an awesome game trilogy. It’s still hard-as-nails and someday I WILL try to beat that last level without using a cheat code, but the environments are beautiful, the gameplay is challenging but fair (except the last level), you can play FIVE characters, and like the previous two games, it screams Star Wars through and through.

RATING: 4.5 out of 5.

Now, we’re going to be doing something a little different. I know I’ve been playing these games somewhat chronologically so far, but now we’re breaking with that and skipping ahead a few years. Why? Because Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga comes out on May 31st and I think there’s no better time to reflect on the awesomeness that is the Lego Star Wars games.

Yup, join me soon for Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga.

It’s time to finish up Super Empire Strikes Back. Woo, there’s a certain rush that comes with being near the end of a really hard game and I’m definitely feelin’ it now.

For the next level, we play Chewie again. I assume we’re now trying to escape Bespin. There’s a really nice nighttime effect.



But of course, those bounty hunters and hostile droids are everywhere. Again. Still. I have a feeling the escape here will be harder than the escape was in the movie. What’s especially annoying is that many of the enemies will position themselves right at the edge of the platforms and push you to your doom. There’s one particularly annoying enemy that goes into a spinning whirlwind and has no qualms about committing suicide if he takes you down with him.

So who do you think is the boss? Go ahead, take a guess.

You’re right – it’s Boba Fett.



Well Chewie can get a little revenge for shipping Han off. Boba zips in and out in a pretty erratic pattern, but he’s not hard to take down – except that he has a freeze ray that can freeze Chewie.



If only the effects didn’t wear off – then Boba could give Jabba a frozen Chewie decoration to go with his frozen Han decoration. But anyway, Boba’s not the only boss. After he flies off, then you get to fight Slave 1 itself.



Um, Chewie, your best friend’s on that thing – you might want to think twice about shooting it down. Well, like with most of the vehicle bosses, you have to take out the guns and then the ship, then it flies off to take Han to Jabba and Chewie meets up with Leia.



How did Chewie and Leia get separated, I wonder? Did Chewie go running after Boba on his own? Whatever, now we go back to Luke as he takes off to rescue his friends, and what do you know, Yoda DOESN’T tell him to go after them. The game developers actually SAW the movie this time!



Why does Yoda look superimposed on this particular cutscene pic? It’s like they had the picture finished and then quickly added Yoda in. Well, Luke flies off to Cloud City and we get another Mode-7 psudo-3D level.



This time you have to fly around and shoot fifteen cloud cars who are all, of course, shooting at you – though as I said in the NES ESB game, isn’t shooting at Luke counterproductive when Vader wants to turn Luke to the dark side? Well anyway, at least this time the level is actually fun. You can even fly under the clouds, which is pretty damn cool.



Funny how the following cutscene says that Luke’s “unaware of the danger” when he just had to ward off all those cloud cars that were shooting at him. You’d think that might clue him in to the danger, but anyway, it’s time to face Vader!



Well not really – we’ve got to go down a corridor and fight off other enemies first. The stormtroopers in this level have red armor to show how EVVVIIILL they are. Yeah, we’ve got red-armored stormtroopers long before those quote-unquote “Sith Troopers” in TROS made it a thing.



Stormtroopers also zip past you on speeder bikes when you’re trying to make precise jumps on small platforms because why not? Eventually you’ll hear Vader’s voice say “The Force is with you, young Skywalker” but ironically, the voice sample isn’t as clear as it was in the NES ESB game. Weird. But who cares – it’s time for our first face-off with Vader!



It’s pretty tame, but what would you expect? Vader’s just getting warmed up. After he runs off (with his voice saying “Impressive”) you’ll probably be low on health. You can use the Force Heal skill, but instead of wasting your Force meter, you can kill the respawning stormtroopers over and over and collect the hearts they drop to replenish your health, especially since later on you’ll have to levitate in order to get around the tiny platforms.

Eventually you’ll run into Vader again, fight him for a bit, and then, being the great dad he is, he’ll push you out the window. The next level seriously starts with you in free fall. It’s a bit of a bonus section, actually, since you can collect all these Rebellion symbols for points, but that’s all they’re good for: points. You actually land without a scratch – Yoda’s taught Luke well. Now to find Vader again.

God, those stormtroopers are EVERYWHERE. They’ll fly in and push you off platforms like nothing. It takes a whole lot of patience (or levitation) to get through them. Once you FINALLY get through the hordes, it’s time for the real deal. The big face-off between Luke and Vader.



Vader’s iconic breathing tells you that this shit is for real. In addition to his fighting moves, he’ll also make stuff fly around with the Force that will hurt you. Oh, and if he kills you, you’ll hear his voice saying “All too easy.”

Now, the Heal skill is your best friend here – basically, if you didn’t get that skill back on Dagobah, you’re screwed, screwed, screwed, SCREWED. Use it when you’re low on health and when Vader makes objects fly around, slice them open and hope they contain Force meter refills. When you’re doing well, you’ll hear Vader say “Impressive,” which feels pretty good. Hey, who wouldn’t want to be complimented by Darth Vader?

And looky, I DID IT! First we have the escape from Bespin . . .



. . . and then the end of the movie, complete with the text teasing you about how you’ll have to rescue Han and face Vader again in the next game. Fortunately, unlike with the NES, they DID make a Return of the Jedi SNES game.



I did it! I beat one of the hardest SNES games ever for the SECOND time! Woo boy, this game is much harder than the original, but that makes it really rewarding to beat. Unlike the NES ESB game, this one follows the movie fairly well (and the music is actually continuous instead of dropping out every few seconds). There’s a good variety of gameplay and it captures the atmosphere of the movie well. And of course, you can play as my Han.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

Next up is the conclusion of this amazing trilogy. While we’re waiting, let’s listen to another awesome Star Wars song. Seems appropriate since the live-action Mulan is coming to Disney+ soon.

Welcome back! Well, unfortunately Leia does NOT become a playable character. I don’t know if it’s because the game engine wouldn’t allow more than three playable characters or because the game developers thought people wouldn’t want to play Leia. I don’t WANT to call the game developers sexist, but . . . this was 1992, when a lot of people still thought video games were a boy thing and that boys wouldn’t want to play as women (it was only eight years after the first Metroid game hid Samus’s gender from the players until the end of the game). As much as I and my double-X gamer chromosomes would like to spit in the face of those people, I can’t prove one way or the other why Leia’s not playable here, so let’s just move on.

Now that we have Leia, we have to disable the tractor beam. Yup, just like in the NES game, the old fossil is too lazy to do it himself, so he leaves it up to you to do it. And guess what, this is another one of those levels with a shit-ton of movie platforms to time your jumps on. One wrong move and you can fall all the way back to the bottom.



And just like in the NES game, when you reach the tractor beam controls, it’s a boss battle. The thing spews out fireballs that can drain your health in seconds and it has a HUGE health bar.



There IS a way to replenish your health, though. At the bottom level are two droids who drop big hearts when you kill them. If you jump to the top level and then return to the bottom level, the droids will respawn. So keep jumping to the top level and returning to the bottom level to kill the droids again and again to replenish your health, shooting wildly at the tractor beam controls the whole time.

Well, after you destroy the tractor beam controls, THEN the old fossil gets off his butt to fight Vader.



Strangely enough, we don’t see Vader actually kill Obi-Wan – instead we just cut to the Falcon flying to Yavin 4 and go straight to the Death Star attack briefing.



I have to wonder if Nintendo wouldn’t allow any of the actual movie deaths to be shown onscreen – they had some strict rules back in the day, though during the SNES era they started to get more lenient about those rules (particularly when a little game called Mortal Kombat entered the scene, but that’s another story). Anyway, it’s time for the last level in the game. Once again, it’s time to destroy that Death Star!



Once again, you’re controlling Luke’s X-Wing (I like how it says “Red 5” in the character name section at the top of the screen). For the first part of the level, you’re flying around the Death Star’s surface and you have to take down twenty TIE Fighters and twenty gun towers. The TIEs are easy, the towers . . . not so much, since they tend to sneak up on you and running into one means instant death. But, with a little practice, you can ace this level and reach the final part of the game: the trench.



Now you’re in the X-Wing’s cockpit with some impressive 3-D, but there’s no time to enjoy the visuals since the place is SWARMING with TIE Fighters. Basically, you need to stay alive until you reach the exhaust port, which means shooting like a maniac. Prepare for sore fingers. This is undoubtedly the hardest part of the game (which is fitting, seeing as how it’s the last level).

Should you survive the trench, Vader’s TIE Fighter will suddenly appear in front of you. Shoot at it like crazy and it will go spinning out of control, then it’s the moment of truth: the exhaust port. Shoot your proton torpedoes at the right time and BOOM!



With Han’s words of approvement, the game is beaten! Enjoy the medal ceremony!



This game is awesome. It’s leaps and bounds ahead of all the NES Star Wars games and it does a great job making you feel like you’re playing in the movie. It’s definitely tough as nails, but there’s a HUGE sense of satisfaction when you beat it. Oh, and you can play Han, which automatically gives it positive points.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

Next up, however, we’re taking on the Super Empire Strikes Back game, and just like with the NES games, the ESB game makes the ANH game look like child’s play.

So, Luke’s in Egypt. Or the Death Star. Or the Egyptian Death Star. Or an acid trip. I’m starting to think that last one’s the most likely scenario. Anyway, let’s see what’s next in this insane-as-fuck game.

Well, you go through a few more rooms with some creatures and some spikes, but nothing too interesting. I’m noticing that the actual platforming in this game is kind of dull. Anyway, soon you run into Darth Vader. Again. So he’s not a scorpion anymore. Maybe he’ll turn into a mummy this time – it wouldn’t surprise me since we’re on Planet Egypt/Death Star/Whatever.



Oh no, Vader turning into a mummy on Planet Egypt would make too much sense (damn, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say). No, instead he turns into a pterodactyl skeleton! No, I’m not making that up – here’s a pic to prove it.



This is starting to be a contender for “weirdest game I’ve ever played.” Luke says something in Japanese that I’m going to imagine is “Fuck, Dad, what was Palpatine ON when he created you??” Anyway, it’s the same basic battle as before – lightsaber Vader until he falls – except this time Pterodactyl Vader can fly around and dive-bomb you, which makes the one-hit deaths really annoying.

After the battle, you head back to Obi-Wan’s area and see that the electric whatever-they-ares that were holding him in place are gone now, so . . . I guess Luke rescued him? Do we leave the Egyptian temple or wherever the fuck we are now?



No, we still need to GET to Obi-Wan, and now we reach one of the most unfair sections I’ve ever seen in a game. See this room here? If you jump down any of these gaps, you’ll end up in another room full of spikes and you’ll land on the spikes and die.



The only way to get safely down is to climb down the ladder – which is barricaded by blocks you need to destroy. I COULD destroy them with the blaster, but the Pterodactyl Vader battle switched me back to the lightsaber, which doesn’t have enough range to destroy the blocks before Luke falls to his death. So how the fuck do I switch back to the blaster? As far as I can tell, you can’t – you have to go to the pause menu and select the picture of the lightsaber. Since I can’t speak Japanese, I had to go through every powerup in the pause menu until I learned that the little lightsaber picture causes the lightsaber to shoot projectiles (just go with it), so you jump carefully over to the little nook in the left-hand side and shoot those projectiles at the blocks without falling.

Maybe those crystals you collect boost the powerups on the start menu, I don’t know. Anyway, I rescue Obi-Wan and it looks like Luke is asking him out on a date.



I’ll imagine the Japanese text says “Ben, will you marry me?” Okay, any chance of getting back to the actual plot of A New Hope any time soon?

Outside the Egyptian temple thing, Luke can jump into a landspeeder that can bounce if you press A. It can run through stormtroopers, and you can make it go faster or slower, but it will still likely crash after thirty seconds because the controls for the thing are awkward as hell.



Moreover, when the thing crashes, Luke will likely land on an obstacle or enemy and die instantly. It took me a BUNCH of tries, but I finally made it to the end of the level, where the Falcon takes off again. So . . . I guess we weren’t on the Death Star – the Falcon apparently took a side trip to Planet Egypt because reasons. Anyway, we’re back in the Falcon. 3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “I am C-3PO, your official drug-providing droid. Did you enjoy that trip?” We shoot some more TIEs and then the Falcon lands on . . . a sea planet? Hey, does anyone remember the DEATH STAR PLANS? Do those ring a bell?



Well, now Luke dons scuba gear and maybe he’s looking for the lost city of Atlantis – I wouldn’t put that past this game.



You swim around avoiding fish and spikes – by the way, when Luke dies underwater, he explodes into bubbles. I wish Jar Jar would show up – at least then I’d know I was playing a Star Wars game. The game developers seem to have forgotten that they were developing a Star Wars game. Hell, if it weren’t for the 8-bit Star Wars theme playing over and over, I think I’d forget I was playing a Star Wars game.

By the way, when did Luke learn to swim? He grew up on a freakin’ DESERT PLANET.

You know, I’m one of the few gamers in the world who doesn’t hate water levels. There are games like the Donkey Kong Country games and Super Mario 64 that make water levels beautifully atmospheric, but this . . . this is one of those water levels that makes me understand why most gamers hate water levels. The controls are wonky even by water level standards and all you do is swim around and avoid fish and spikes (and of course, one touch by an enemy or obstacle kills you).

Finally you reach Vader . . . underwater. Yes, Vader’s suit apparently allows him to breathe underwater. Well, let’s see what kind of fish he turns into.



Vader says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “Pathetic, THIS is how you rock the breathing apparatus!” and it’s time for an underwater lightsaber fight. A freakin’ UNDERWATER LIGHTSABER FIGHT, it should be awesome, but we have to remember what game we’re playing.

Welp, Vader turns into a shark this time around. Maybe this isn’t actually Vader who keeps shapeshifting – maybe it’s a Clawdite posing as Vader. Or maybe the game developers saw the version of Star Wars where Vader IS a Clawdite who can shapeshift into different animals. You guys remember that version of the movie, right?



Well, same story as before, lightsaber Vader Shark (do do do do do do) until he disappears, then you find 3PO trapped in those same electric fence things Obi-Wan was trapped in.



Okay, HOW THE FUCK did 3PO get himself captured on this sea planet or wherever the fuck we are? Did he jump out of the Falcon because he wanted to take a swim? Seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON? Are we EVER going to get to the Death Star or did the game developers forget that it exists?

3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “No Master Luke, I have no idea what the game developers were on either,” then the Falcon takes off and you get a message from Leia . . . who looks like she’s twelve years old, and blonde.



Is anyone surprised at this point? The game developers clearly saw the version of the movie where Leia is a twelve-year-old girl and the Falcon went to Egypt and a sea planet on the way to Alderaan and Vader is a Clawdite. Makes perfect sense to me.

What’s Leia saying? I don’t know, maybe it’s “Comparing my hair to cinnamon rolls got old a long time ago.” But hey look, we FINALLY get to the Death Star! Nice of the game developers to remember that minor plot detail from the movie.



Well, after shooting some TIEs, the Falcon flies into the Death Star and we’re finally doing something that resembles the movie! Wow, imagine that!

Of course, the excitement wears off once we actually get into the level. This level requires you to take blind jumps off platforms and quickly steer yourself to the left or right while falling before a laser beam kills you. Oh boy, don’t you LOVE blind jumps? Isn’t it just GREAT to leap off a platform and not know if you’ll fall to your death?

Many of the paths also lead to dead ends with just some stormtroopers to fight. Oh, and there are spikes. LOTS of spikes. Yeah, this game took a page from the American version of the game and decorated the Death Star with spikes, and if you even touch the SIDE of the spikes you’re dead.

I am seriously lost, guys. I’ve been going through the same passages over and over and OVER. It might be time to go to GameFAQs.

Okay, I went to GameFAQ and apparently there’s a door you have to slash with your lightsaber. Yeah, even though you aren’t able to enter open doorways, you’re apparently supposed to figure out with the Force that you can slash through closed doors with two vertical lines on them.

Allow me to quote a much funnier video game reviewer than me.

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????

You also run into green Boba Fett behind one of the doors.



And you FINALLY find Leia, who even in sprite form still looks twelve.



And oh look, she kisses Luke when you find her (and she’s blonde again). Did these game developers not see Return of the Jedi? Oh, why am I asking myself that – they didn’t even see A New Hope, yet alone Return of the Jedi. I’ll imagine those Japanese characters say “Oh wow, incest is so HOT!”



Oh, and they choose NOW to actually follow the movie – you have to lightsaber open the garbage grate to get into the trash compactor and battle the Dianoga. Course, knowing this game, maybe the Dianoga’s Vader.



After you slash the Dianoga, the walls start closing in, but thanks to the walkthrough, I know to open the start menu to select R2 and contact him to shut down the compactor.

Then there’s some more wandering around the Death Star. At a couple of points you have use Luke’s Force levitation, which I didn’t even know he had until I looked at the walkthrough. Anyway, I finally found Vader.



Anyone want to guess what kind of animal he’ll turn into this time? Well, let’s see. Maybe he’ll become a snake or a lion or something weird like a giant cockroach.

Okay, I’m fighting him, but he hasn’t turned into anything. Wait, what? Vader’s actually NOT going to turn into an animal? Weird.

Also, after you hit Vader once, none of your other hits will affect him until you contact Obi-Wan in the start menu. Yeah, you can TOTALLY figure that out without a walkthrough, thanks game.

Anyway, Obi-Wan says something that I’ll imagine is “I’m too lazy to battle Vader this time, so you do it” and you fight Vader. Of course, if he touches you once, you’re dead, so this battle can get frustrating. Best strategy I’ve found is to jump over him and lightsaber him while jumping.

Now it’s the same story as before – the Falcon takes off from the Death Star and now you get a message from Chewie . . . who apparently speaks Japanese.



This is also the first time that Chewie’s appeared in ANY of these NES Star Wars games, so that’s something.

Anyway, more TIE Fighters to shoot (do we have to shoot TIEs after EVERY level?), and I think it’s break time. Here’s another Star Wars song parody.

Yoda told Luke to go after his friends. I’m sorry, I just can’t get over that. Yoda told Luke to go after his friends. What next, will Yoda be telling Luke that yes, there’s totally still good in Vader and they should try to save him from the dark side?

Well, I’ve still got to finish this game, so let’s go back to the insanity. Luke flies over to Bespin and he’s immediately greeted by enemy cloud cars, some of which are orange because why not?



Basically, you fly around and shoot the enemy ships and TIE Fighters. You can fly behind the clouds, which is kind of cool, but, ah, I have a question. Since Vader wants to turn Luke to the dark side, why is he sending the TIEs out to shoot him? Seems that shooting Luke down would be counterproductive to Vader’s plan.

Anyway, after you get all the ships, Luke lands on Bespin and I have no fucking idea what he’s wearing now, so make up your own joke here.



Seriously, they replicated Luke’s snowsuit from the movie pretty well in the Hoth levels, so what’s with these weird getups now? Anyway, the music’s still dropping in and out, but that’s to be expected by now. After killing a couple of probe droids, you run into Lando, who’s white.



Not just white, but like VAMPIRE white. My God, did they run out of brown pixels or something? This game just keeps getting weirder.

Lando doesn’t bother introducing himself and just says R2 can shut down the laser beams for a short time. Wow, R2 actually gets to do something! Just up ahead are some laser gates, which R2 lets you pass through – by getting himself electrocuted in the process. Yup, the little droid hurts himself so Luke can go through.



Of course Cloud City is crawling with stormtroopers because why wouldn’t it be? Shortly after this, Leia contacts Luke via . . . the Force? Or did she leave a message in R2? I don’t know, the point is that there are bounty hunters everywhere.



After some more R2 electrocution, you get attacked by a bounty hunter that I assume is Zukkus. He does lethal somersaults that can kill you instantly, depending on your health level, so the boosted lightsaber is a must.



Get caught in his somersault and you’re pretty much dead, so the best strategy is to jump over him while he’s shooting at you, let him somersault in the other direction, then lightsaber him when he’s somersaulting back, repeat. With the lightsaber boost it doesn’t take long to kill him.

After killing him, R2 electrocutes himself for you some more and you run into another bounty hunter who does gymnastics at you. I’m not sure who this guy is, but after you kill him, he’s got a clone to fight after a conveyor belt. Oh, you know what’s funny? If Luke dies on the conveyor belt, the belt carries his corpse on its merry way.



After fighting THREE of these guys and going through a maze of conveyor belts, you can fight and steal another AT-ST walker. It can walk through laser gates and kill bounty hunters like nothing, so you feel like a badass as you go back through the maze to go through the laser gates R2 wouldn’t go through earlier, where you can get a new Force power. Of course, then you have to go all the way back the other way.

After some more exploring the maze, you get to fight Boba Fett, which is tedious. Even with the lightsaber boost, it takes forever for him to go flying away – and that’s if you survive to the end of the fight.

When Boba goes flying off, you run after him and see his ship take off. Leia tells you that Boba has Han and to go after him . . . wait, go after him? What do you mean go after him? For that matter, in the movie Boba took off and . . . OH SHIT, they’re about to REALLY screw with canon, aren’t they?



Oh fuck me. Just FUCK ME. Yes, Luke takes off in his X-Wing to go after Boba. You’ve got another flying level where you shoot at Slave 1 . . . which has frozen Han on it. Um, tell me, Luke, isn’t trying to shoot down Boba’s ship kind of counterproductive to saving Han when Han’s STILL ON THE SHIP?



Also, Boba’s ship sounds like birds tweeting when it shoots at you . . . for some reason. I’ve given up trying to apply reason to this game. This battle’s also FRUSTRATING AS HELL. It only takes a few hits from Slave 1 for the X-Wing to blow up and it’s nearly impossible to get a clear shot without taking damage yourself.

With an INSANE amount of patience, you eventually blow up Boba’s ship (with Han on it? I mean, we don’t see Luke actually rescuing Han, so did Luke just kill his best friend?) and return to Cloud City because, yeah, that’s how things went in canon, we all remember that from the movie, right?

Oh wait, take a step and Han thanks you and says Leia’s in trouble. So . . . Luke not only rescued Han, but he also woke Han up from carbonite . . . by blowing up Boba’s ship with Han on it?? Or was Han never frozen in this version of events – with how much they’ve fucked canon up, it wouldn’t surprise me if they skipped the whole carbon-freezing thing.



And why is Leia in trouble? Aren’t she and Lando and Chewie escaping in the Falcon? Oh fuck it, there’s no telling what’s going on now.

Maybe the game developers made the game so difficult on purpose so no one would see how they’re butchering canon. Well, they didn’t count on people eventually inventing save states.

Anyway, back to Cloud City. Only a little more of this game to go, people! More conveyor belts, more bounty hunters, more gears, more stormtroopers, more music dropping out after five seconds, it’s business as usual. There’s a super-irritating spot where you’ve got to fight a whole bunch of bounty hunters in a row – the best course of action is to do your best to jump over them and run away, then when you’ve got the space to do it, levitate over them.

Eventually you run into . . . another Zukkus, except this one’s turquoise, so maybe it’s Zukkus’s brother or something, who knows?

Kill him and you find Leia, who also looks like a vampire. Maybe there’s a vampiric curse going around Bespin, it wouldn’t surprise me at this point.



Leia warns you that Vader’s here and oh boy, I can’t wait to see how they butcher the “I am your father” scene.



Luke and Vader both draw red lightsabers (just go with it) and we hear Vader’s voice saying “The Force is with you, young Skywalker,” which I’ll admit is pretty damn cool. After that we get a cool 8-bit rendition of the Imperial March which lasts a full TEN seconds before it drops out instead of five! WOW!

I think this game is getting to me.

Anyway, plow through some Ugnaughts and stormtroopers to get to Vader and WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK??



No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Vader is using a blaster. DARTH VADER is using a blaster. Let me repeat that – DARTH FUCKING VADER IS USING A FUCKING BLASTER!!

I got nothing. Seriously. I think my brain just shut down from the madness that is the NES Empire Strikes Back game.

Oh, and that’s not all. Sometimes he swaps out the blaster for a lightsaber . . . which is BLUE.



Apparently Vader and Luke thought it would be fun to switch lightsabers. O-kay, there’s a spot on the left-hand side of the screen where Vader can’t hurt you, so the battle’s real simple. After the battle, Vader vanishes while saying “Impressive,” so was he Force-projecting himself or did he just leave? I can’t tell what’s what anymore.

Explore the facility some more and you’ll run into Vader again. Second verse, same as the first. Again you can move to the far left and lightsaber him from there, and again he disappears when you beat him. Then you get to fight him a THIRD time and AGAIN you can just jump over him to the left where he can’t touch you.



This is the last level, right? What, after making us fight through all the grind of the previous levels, the game developers decided to reward us by making the last level super-easy? I’m not complaining, but that seems a bit backwards to me.

Vader disappears yet again, so you go through a few more Ugnaughts and stormtroopers, then you encounter Vader again on a mess of pillars.



Well, this time around Vader jumps from pillar to pillar in an extremely simple pattern. This battle’s a bit harder than the previous three, but there’s a certain pillar that he never lands on. Time your jumps right from this pillar and you can kick his ass, then he disappears again, blah blah blah.

After going through some more of the facility, you run into another one of those annoying bounty hunters – who puts up more of a fight than Vader does. Seriously. At one point Yoda interrupts you and tells you to use the Force, which is a cue to start levitating.

Then you fight Vader AGAIN and he’ll use that trusty BLASTER. After the fight, he tells you to join the dark side. Okay, so this is where Luke learns his parentage, right?



Wait, that’s all he says before disappearing AGAIN? The FUCK?

Okay, you run to the right and you run into Vader YET AGAIN (how is he teleporting all over the place?) and hear his actual voice say “The Force is with you, young Skywalker.” Okay, this HAS to be the final boss fight, so we’re going to get something EPIC, right?

Right?

This time around, he makes stuff fly around with the Force while he’s attacking you, but that’s the only thing that’s different. Oh, and there’s no safe spot where he can’t attack you either. Use the lightsaber booster and jump around a lot and then . . . wait, WHAT???



Luke . . . defeated . . .Vader . . .

Luke . . . defeated . . . Vader . . .

LUKE FUCKING DEFEATED VADER???

So . . . no parentage reveal? No hand amputation? The FUCK??

By the way, that’s the ending screen. The only thing after that is a wall of text talking about how the Emperor will strike again and the Rebels will continue their fight and blah blah blah it will soon be time for the Return of the Jedi.



Which is a lie – they never made a Return of the Jedi NES game. I mean, why would they? Luke already rescued Han, so there’s no need to go to Jabba’s palace, and he already (gag) bested Vader, so there’s no need to face him again in order to become a Jedi. Hell, since Vader never revealed that he was Luke’s father, now Luke will feel no need to redeem him. The whole thing’s been fucked up beyond saving.

I have a theory about this, though. This game came out in 1992, when the Super Nintendo had already been out for several months. The first Super Star Wars game would be released later in the year, so I have a feeling that JVC Digital Studios wanted to concentrate on the hot new console instead of the NES, so that’s why the ESB NES game ends . . . the way it does, so there wouldn’t be as much pressure to release another Star Wars game for the NES. That’s just a theory, though.

So, what do I think of this game? Well . . . it’s weird. Weird and hard, and I don’t feel the satisfaction that I felt after I beat the original NES Star Wars game, which was much more fun than this one. It really does feel like the ESB game developers either didn’t see the movie or completely missed the point of it. I get it, you change things when you adapt something to a different medium, but the original NES Star Wars game managed to keep the flavor and most of the plot points of the movie, while the ESB game just . . . ignores canon for no apparent reason. Plus, in the original game you could play as all three of the heroes, while here you can just play as Luke, which means you miss a good chunk of the plot. Even if you ignore how this game is based on a beloved movie, if you strip the game of its Star Wars-ness, you’re left with a rather average difficult platformer, and the music, blech. Why the HELL does the music keep dropping out?

The voice samples are cool, though.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

So what’s next? Well, I could go to the next console generation and replay the Super Star Wars games, but there’s actually another NES Star Wars game to try out, though it was never released in America. You thought this game was weird? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Yes, I’m trying the JAPANESE Star Wars game.