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lieselstarwarsgamesSo, Luke’s in Egypt. Or the Death Star. Or the Egyptian Death Star. Or an acid trip. I’m starting to think that last one’s the most likely scenario. Anyway, let’s see what’s next in this insane-as-fuck game.
Well, you go through a few more rooms with some creatures and some spikes, but nothing too interesting. I’m noticing that the actual platforming in this game is kind of dull. Anyway, soon you run into Darth Vader. Again. So he’s not a scorpion anymore. Maybe he’ll turn into a mummy this time – it wouldn’t surprise me since we’re on Planet Egypt/Death Star/Whatever.
Oh no, Vader turning into a mummy on Planet Egypt would make too much sense (damn, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say). No, instead he turns into a pterodactyl skeleton! No, I’m not making that up – here’s a pic to prove it.
This is starting to be a contender for “weirdest game I’ve ever played.” Luke says something in Japanese that I’m going to imagine is “Fuck, Dad, what was Palpatine ON when he created you??” Anyway, it’s the same basic battle as before – lightsaber Vader until he falls – except this time Pterodactyl Vader can fly around and dive-bomb you, which makes the one-hit deaths really annoying.
After the battle, you head back to Obi-Wan’s area and see that the electric whatever-they-ares that were holding him in place are gone now, so . . . I guess Luke rescued him? Do we leave the Egyptian temple or wherever the fuck we are now?
No, we still need to GET to Obi-Wan, and now we reach one of the most unfair sections I’ve ever seen in a game. See this room here? If you jump down any of these gaps, you’ll end up in another room full of spikes and you’ll land on the spikes and die.
The only way to get safely down is to climb down the ladder – which is barricaded by blocks you need to destroy. I COULD destroy them with the blaster, but the Pterodactyl Vader battle switched me back to the lightsaber, which doesn’t have enough range to destroy the blocks before Luke falls to his death. So how the fuck do I switch back to the blaster? As far as I can tell, you can’t – you have to go to the pause menu and select the picture of the lightsaber. Since I can’t speak Japanese, I had to go through every powerup in the pause menu until I learned that the little lightsaber picture causes the lightsaber to shoot projectiles (just go with it), so you jump carefully over to the little nook in the left-hand side and shoot those projectiles at the blocks without falling.
Maybe those crystals you collect boost the powerups on the start menu, I don’t know. Anyway, I rescue Obi-Wan and it looks like Luke is asking him out on a date.
I’ll imagine the Japanese text says “Ben, will you marry me?” Okay, any chance of getting back to the actual plot of A New Hope any time soon?
Outside the Egyptian temple thing, Luke can jump into a landspeeder that can bounce if you press A. It can run through stormtroopers, and you can make it go faster or slower, but it will still likely crash after thirty seconds because the controls for the thing are awkward as hell.
Moreover, when the thing crashes, Luke will likely land on an obstacle or enemy and die instantly. It took me a BUNCH of tries, but I finally made it to the end of the level, where the Falcon takes off again. So . . . I guess we weren’t on the Death Star – the Falcon apparently took a side trip to Planet Egypt because reasons. Anyway, we’re back in the Falcon. 3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “I am C-3PO, your official drug-providing droid. Did you enjoy that trip?” We shoot some more TIEs and then the Falcon lands on . . . a sea planet? Hey, does anyone remember the DEATH STAR PLANS? Do those ring a bell?
Well, now Luke dons scuba gear and maybe he’s looking for the lost city of Atlantis – I wouldn’t put that past this game.
You swim around avoiding fish and spikes – by the way, when Luke dies underwater, he explodes into bubbles. I wish Jar Jar would show up – at least then I’d know I was playing a Star Wars game. The game developers seem to have forgotten that they were developing a Star Wars game. Hell, if it weren’t for the 8-bit Star Wars theme playing over and over, I think I’d forget I was playing a Star Wars game.
By the way, when did Luke learn to swim? He grew up on a freakin’ DESERT PLANET.
You know, I’m one of the few gamers in the world who doesn’t hate water levels. There are games like the Donkey Kong Country games and Super Mario 64 that make water levels beautifully atmospheric, but this . . . this is one of those water levels that makes me understand why most gamers hate water levels. The controls are wonky even by water level standards and all you do is swim around and avoid fish and spikes (and of course, one touch by an enemy or obstacle kills you).
Finally you reach Vader . . . underwater. Yes, Vader’s suit apparently allows him to breathe underwater. Well, let’s see what kind of fish he turns into.
Vader says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “Pathetic, THIS is how you rock the breathing apparatus!” and it’s time for an underwater lightsaber fight. A freakin’ UNDERWATER LIGHTSABER FIGHT, it should be awesome, but we have to remember what game we’re playing.
Welp, Vader turns into a shark this time around. Maybe this isn’t actually Vader who keeps shapeshifting – maybe it’s a Clawdite posing as Vader. Or maybe the game developers saw the version of Star Wars where Vader IS a Clawdite who can shapeshift into different animals. You guys remember that version of the movie, right?
Well, same story as before, lightsaber Vader Shark (do do do do do do) until he disappears, then you find 3PO trapped in those same electric fence things Obi-Wan was trapped in.
Okay, HOW THE FUCK did 3PO get himself captured on this sea planet or wherever the fuck we are? Did he jump out of the Falcon because he wanted to take a swim? Seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON? Are we EVER going to get to the Death Star or did the game developers forget that it exists?
3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “No Master Luke, I have no idea what the game developers were on either,” then the Falcon takes off and you get a message from Leia . . . who looks like she’s twelve years old, and blonde.
Is anyone surprised at this point? The game developers clearly saw the version of the movie where Leia is a twelve-year-old girl and the Falcon went to Egypt and a sea planet on the way to Alderaan and Vader is a Clawdite. Makes perfect sense to me.
What’s Leia saying? I don’t know, maybe it’s “Comparing my hair to cinnamon rolls got old a long time ago.” But hey look, we FINALLY get to the Death Star! Nice of the game developers to remember that minor plot detail from the movie.
Well, after shooting some TIEs, the Falcon flies into the Death Star and we’re finally doing something that resembles the movie! Wow, imagine that!
Of course, the excitement wears off once we actually get into the level. This level requires you to take blind jumps off platforms and quickly steer yourself to the left or right while falling before a laser beam kills you. Oh boy, don’t you LOVE blind jumps? Isn’t it just GREAT to leap off a platform and not know if you’ll fall to your death?
Many of the paths also lead to dead ends with just some stormtroopers to fight. Oh, and there are spikes. LOTS of spikes. Yeah, this game took a page from the American version of the game and decorated the Death Star with spikes, and if you even touch the SIDE of the spikes you’re dead.
I am seriously lost, guys. I’ve been going through the same passages over and over and OVER. It might be time to go to GameFAQs.
Okay, I went to GameFAQ and apparently there’s a door you have to slash with your lightsaber. Yeah, even though you aren’t able to enter open doorways, you’re apparently supposed to figure out with the Force that you can slash through closed doors with two vertical lines on them.
Allow me to quote a much funnier video game reviewer than me.
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????
You also run into green Boba Fett behind one of the doors.
And you FINALLY find Leia, who even in sprite form still looks twelve.
And oh look, she kisses Luke when you find her (and she’s blonde again). Did these game developers not see Return of the Jedi? Oh, why am I asking myself that – they didn’t even see A New Hope, yet alone Return of the Jedi. I’ll imagine those Japanese characters say “Oh wow, incest is so HOT!”
Oh, and they choose NOW to actually follow the movie – you have to lightsaber open the garbage grate to get into the trash compactor and battle the Dianoga. Course, knowing this game, maybe the Dianoga’s Vader.
After you slash the Dianoga, the walls start closing in, but thanks to the walkthrough, I know to open the start menu to select R2 and contact him to shut down the compactor.
Then there’s some more wandering around the Death Star. At a couple of points you have use Luke’s Force levitation, which I didn’t even know he had until I looked at the walkthrough. Anyway, I finally found Vader.
Anyone want to guess what kind of animal he’ll turn into this time? Well, let’s see. Maybe he’ll become a snake or a lion or something weird like a giant cockroach.
Okay, I’m fighting him, but he hasn’t turned into anything. Wait, what? Vader’s actually NOT going to turn into an animal? Weird.
Also, after you hit Vader once, none of your other hits will affect him until you contact Obi-Wan in the start menu. Yeah, you can TOTALLY figure that out without a walkthrough, thanks game.
Anyway, Obi-Wan says something that I’ll imagine is “I’m too lazy to battle Vader this time, so you do it” and you fight Vader. Of course, if he touches you once, you’re dead, so this battle can get frustrating. Best strategy I’ve found is to jump over him and lightsaber him while jumping.
Now it’s the same story as before – the Falcon takes off from the Death Star and now you get a message from Chewie . . . who apparently speaks Japanese.
This is also the first time that Chewie’s appeared in ANY of these NES Star Wars games, so that’s something.
Anyway, more TIE Fighters to shoot (do we have to shoot TIEs after EVERY level?), and I think it’s break time. Here’s another Star Wars song parody.
Well, you go through a few more rooms with some creatures and some spikes, but nothing too interesting. I’m noticing that the actual platforming in this game is kind of dull. Anyway, soon you run into Darth Vader. Again. So he’s not a scorpion anymore. Maybe he’ll turn into a mummy this time – it wouldn’t surprise me since we’re on Planet Egypt/Death Star/Whatever.
Oh no, Vader turning into a mummy on Planet Egypt would make too much sense (damn, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say). No, instead he turns into a pterodactyl skeleton! No, I’m not making that up – here’s a pic to prove it.
This is starting to be a contender for “weirdest game I’ve ever played.” Luke says something in Japanese that I’m going to imagine is “Fuck, Dad, what was Palpatine ON when he created you??” Anyway, it’s the same basic battle as before – lightsaber Vader until he falls – except this time Pterodactyl Vader can fly around and dive-bomb you, which makes the one-hit deaths really annoying.
After the battle, you head back to Obi-Wan’s area and see that the electric whatever-they-ares that were holding him in place are gone now, so . . . I guess Luke rescued him? Do we leave the Egyptian temple or wherever the fuck we are now?
No, we still need to GET to Obi-Wan, and now we reach one of the most unfair sections I’ve ever seen in a game. See this room here? If you jump down any of these gaps, you’ll end up in another room full of spikes and you’ll land on the spikes and die.
The only way to get safely down is to climb down the ladder – which is barricaded by blocks you need to destroy. I COULD destroy them with the blaster, but the Pterodactyl Vader battle switched me back to the lightsaber, which doesn’t have enough range to destroy the blocks before Luke falls to his death. So how the fuck do I switch back to the blaster? As far as I can tell, you can’t – you have to go to the pause menu and select the picture of the lightsaber. Since I can’t speak Japanese, I had to go through every powerup in the pause menu until I learned that the little lightsaber picture causes the lightsaber to shoot projectiles (just go with it), so you jump carefully over to the little nook in the left-hand side and shoot those projectiles at the blocks without falling.
Maybe those crystals you collect boost the powerups on the start menu, I don’t know. Anyway, I rescue Obi-Wan and it looks like Luke is asking him out on a date.
I’ll imagine the Japanese text says “Ben, will you marry me?” Okay, any chance of getting back to the actual plot of A New Hope any time soon?
Outside the Egyptian temple thing, Luke can jump into a landspeeder that can bounce if you press A. It can run through stormtroopers, and you can make it go faster or slower, but it will still likely crash after thirty seconds because the controls for the thing are awkward as hell.
Moreover, when the thing crashes, Luke will likely land on an obstacle or enemy and die instantly. It took me a BUNCH of tries, but I finally made it to the end of the level, where the Falcon takes off again. So . . . I guess we weren’t on the Death Star – the Falcon apparently took a side trip to Planet Egypt because reasons. Anyway, we’re back in the Falcon. 3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “I am C-3PO, your official drug-providing droid. Did you enjoy that trip?” We shoot some more TIEs and then the Falcon lands on . . . a sea planet? Hey, does anyone remember the DEATH STAR PLANS? Do those ring a bell?
Well, now Luke dons scuba gear and maybe he’s looking for the lost city of Atlantis – I wouldn’t put that past this game.
You swim around avoiding fish and spikes – by the way, when Luke dies underwater, he explodes into bubbles. I wish Jar Jar would show up – at least then I’d know I was playing a Star Wars game. The game developers seem to have forgotten that they were developing a Star Wars game. Hell, if it weren’t for the 8-bit Star Wars theme playing over and over, I think I’d forget I was playing a Star Wars game.
By the way, when did Luke learn to swim? He grew up on a freakin’ DESERT PLANET.
You know, I’m one of the few gamers in the world who doesn’t hate water levels. There are games like the Donkey Kong Country games and Super Mario 64 that make water levels beautifully atmospheric, but this . . . this is one of those water levels that makes me understand why most gamers hate water levels. The controls are wonky even by water level standards and all you do is swim around and avoid fish and spikes (and of course, one touch by an enemy or obstacle kills you).
Finally you reach Vader . . . underwater. Yes, Vader’s suit apparently allows him to breathe underwater. Well, let’s see what kind of fish he turns into.
Vader says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “Pathetic, THIS is how you rock the breathing apparatus!” and it’s time for an underwater lightsaber fight. A freakin’ UNDERWATER LIGHTSABER FIGHT, it should be awesome, but we have to remember what game we’re playing.
Welp, Vader turns into a shark this time around. Maybe this isn’t actually Vader who keeps shapeshifting – maybe it’s a Clawdite posing as Vader. Or maybe the game developers saw the version of Star Wars where Vader IS a Clawdite who can shapeshift into different animals. You guys remember that version of the movie, right?
Well, same story as before, lightsaber Vader Shark (do do do do do do) until he disappears, then you find 3PO trapped in those same electric fence things Obi-Wan was trapped in.
Okay, HOW THE FUCK did 3PO get himself captured on this sea planet or wherever the fuck we are? Did he jump out of the Falcon because he wanted to take a swim? Seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON? Are we EVER going to get to the Death Star or did the game developers forget that it exists?
3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “No Master Luke, I have no idea what the game developers were on either,” then the Falcon takes off and you get a message from Leia . . . who looks like she’s twelve years old, and blonde.
Is anyone surprised at this point? The game developers clearly saw the version of the movie where Leia is a twelve-year-old girl and the Falcon went to Egypt and a sea planet on the way to Alderaan and Vader is a Clawdite. Makes perfect sense to me.
What’s Leia saying? I don’t know, maybe it’s “Comparing my hair to cinnamon rolls got old a long time ago.” But hey look, we FINALLY get to the Death Star! Nice of the game developers to remember that minor plot detail from the movie.
Well, after shooting some TIEs, the Falcon flies into the Death Star and we’re finally doing something that resembles the movie! Wow, imagine that!
Of course, the excitement wears off once we actually get into the level. This level requires you to take blind jumps off platforms and quickly steer yourself to the left or right while falling before a laser beam kills you. Oh boy, don’t you LOVE blind jumps? Isn’t it just GREAT to leap off a platform and not know if you’ll fall to your death?
Many of the paths also lead to dead ends with just some stormtroopers to fight. Oh, and there are spikes. LOTS of spikes. Yeah, this game took a page from the American version of the game and decorated the Death Star with spikes, and if you even touch the SIDE of the spikes you’re dead.
I am seriously lost, guys. I’ve been going through the same passages over and over and OVER. It might be time to go to GameFAQs.
Okay, I went to GameFAQ and apparently there’s a door you have to slash with your lightsaber. Yeah, even though you aren’t able to enter open doorways, you’re apparently supposed to figure out with the Force that you can slash through closed doors with two vertical lines on them.
Allow me to quote a much funnier video game reviewer than me.
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????
You also run into green Boba Fett behind one of the doors.
And you FINALLY find Leia, who even in sprite form still looks twelve.
And oh look, she kisses Luke when you find her (and she’s blonde again). Did these game developers not see Return of the Jedi? Oh, why am I asking myself that – they didn’t even see A New Hope, yet alone Return of the Jedi. I’ll imagine those Japanese characters say “Oh wow, incest is so HOT!”
Oh, and they choose NOW to actually follow the movie – you have to lightsaber open the garbage grate to get into the trash compactor and battle the Dianoga. Course, knowing this game, maybe the Dianoga’s Vader.
After you slash the Dianoga, the walls start closing in, but thanks to the walkthrough, I know to open the start menu to select R2 and contact him to shut down the compactor.
Then there’s some more wandering around the Death Star. At a couple of points you have use Luke’s Force levitation, which I didn’t even know he had until I looked at the walkthrough. Anyway, I finally found Vader.
Anyone want to guess what kind of animal he’ll turn into this time? Well, let’s see. Maybe he’ll become a snake or a lion or something weird like a giant cockroach.
Okay, I’m fighting him, but he hasn’t turned into anything. Wait, what? Vader’s actually NOT going to turn into an animal? Weird.
Also, after you hit Vader once, none of your other hits will affect him until you contact Obi-Wan in the start menu. Yeah, you can TOTALLY figure that out without a walkthrough, thanks game.
Anyway, Obi-Wan says something that I’ll imagine is “I’m too lazy to battle Vader this time, so you do it” and you fight Vader. Of course, if he touches you once, you’re dead, so this battle can get frustrating. Best strategy I’ve found is to jump over him and lightsaber him while jumping.
Now it’s the same story as before – the Falcon takes off from the Death Star and now you get a message from Chewie . . . who apparently speaks Japanese.
This is also the first time that Chewie’s appeared in ANY of these NES Star Wars games, so that’s something.
Anyway, more TIE Fighters to shoot (do we have to shoot TIEs after EVERY level?), and I think it’s break time. Here’s another Star Wars song parody.
