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lieselstarwarsgamesI’m still fighting my way through this game. Well, we finally left Hoth, so let’s see what in store for Luke as he looks for Yoda.
Well Luke lands on Dagobah and . . . WHAT THE FUCK???
Why does Luke have green hair? WHY DOES LUKE HAVE GREEN HAIR?? Or is that supposed to be a helmet? He didn’t wear a helmet on Dagobah in the movie! What the everloving FUCK???
I’m starting to wonder if these game designers actually saw the movie. Anyway, the music’s still dropping in and out in five-second bursts, but at least it’s different themes now. You kill a couple of swamp creatures and then Obi-Wan’s ghost interrupts you yet again.
Well gee, Obi-Wan, I had no idea I was here to look for Yoda, thanks for telling me the same thing you told me on Hoth!
Already, the game’s difficulty is back. See the thing in the screenshot that looks like a miniature version of Snuffy from Sesame Street?
Well when Luke starts climbing that vine, the creature starts jumping from side to side SUPER fast and it’s almost impossible to avoid it. There’s also a snake climbing up and down the vine because of course. Fortunately, the snake can be killed, but only with the blaster. After climbing up and down a bunch of vines and killing a bunch of nature’s creatures, you fight two giant spiders in a row – one of which hardly even moves and practically lets you kill it.
Then Luke goes looking for Yoda up in the trees. Hey Obi-Wan, you might want to tell him that there’s no way Yoda would be in a tree.
Well, Obi-Wan does show up when you’re in the trees, but only to tell you to trust the power of the Force. Do you have anything useful to say, Obi-Wan, or do you just like the sound of your own voice?
Anyway, now Luke gets to swing on vines because the game developers apparently think he’s Tarzan.
Sorry for the overload of screenshots, but this level is damn weird. I get it, there wasn’t a lot of action going on when Luke went looking for Yoda in the movie, but I think the added action could be better here. Especially if, oh, THE MUSIC DIDN’T KEEP DROPPING OUT AFTER FIVE SECONDS.
And what fun, a giant grasshopper attacks you. Yes, let me repeat that, a GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER attacks Luke. Holy shit, where was this thing in the movie? Why didn’t Luke fight a GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER in the movie – it would have made the movie SO much better! Moreover, the thing can push you off the branches and all the way back to the beginning of the level – isn’t that great? What AWESOME game design to have a boss that can push you all the way back the beginning of the level – that won’t drive people insane at all!
In fact, the walkthrough at GameFAQ doesn’t even tell you how to fight it – it instead tells you to super-jump over it and run away. Yeah, you don’t even have to fight the thing – it’s just there to ruin your day. You can jump over it and climb up to a higher branch where it can’t get you. Seriously, talk about a stupid boss. It can knock you back to the beginning of the level and you don’t even get the satisfaction of killing it unless you decide that you want to waste a bunch of time trying to fight it without getting knocked back.
Well, after scaling through some more trees, you FINALLY find Yoda, who looks like a Gremlin.
Yoda tells you that he’ll start training you and your first task is to cross the swamp, cause that’s an important skill for a Jedi, I guess. Water instantly kills Luke because I guess living on Tatooine for so long caused him to develop a water allergy, so you have to wait for the little rafts to float towards you.
Float down the swamp, jump over some hills, kill some swamp creatures, float down some more rafts, then you’ll get attacked by another GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER, but just like the first one, you can super-jump over it.
A little climbing and a couple of giant spider fights later, you run into an exploding mushroom. Yes, an EXPLODING MUSHROOM. Dagobah has mushrooms that FUCKING EXPLODE. I’m not making this up. Eventually another GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER pushes you into a deep pit, where you fight another giant spider and get a new Force power, complete with Yoda’s voice saying “Use the Force.”
Well, okay, but how do we get out of the hole? Turns out the new Force power is levitation. So yeah, Force levitation WAS a thing before the sequel trilogy.
After some more hopping around and killing spiders, you run into Yoda again and he offers his words of wisdom.
It’s time for the fight with Force Vision Vader! Oh boy, this should be EPIC!
Well, actually, Force Vision Vader just walks back and forth and swings his lightsaber at you. And of course, there’s no epic boss music to make the fight more awesome. All you need to do is time your jumps over him and lightsaber him a few times and he goes down.
After the fight, you run for a bit and then Luke has his vision of Han and Leia in danger.
And . . . wait, WHAT?? Yoda TELLS LUKE TO GO AFTER THEM???
Okay, now I’m convinced that the game developers DIDN’T see the movie. That was a MAJOR PLOT POINT that Yoda and Obi-Wan told Luke to stay on Dagobah and that if he left he could destroy what Leia and Han were suffering for! YOU. FUCKING. IDIOTS!!!
(takes deep breath) Okay, okay, I’m calm, but since Luke’s on his way to Bespin now, I have a little question.
WHY WASN’T THERE A LEVEL OF THE FALCON GOING THROUGH THE ASTEROID FIELD?????
Don’t tell me they don’t have the technology to do it – we had all those X-Wing levels in the ANH game AND the Falcon going through Alderaan’s remains! How the FUCK do you have an ESB game without at least one Falcon level???
(takes another deep breath) Okay, okay, I’m calm (again). Break time, so here’s another awesome Star Wars song that happens to parody one of my all-time favorite songs.
Well Luke lands on Dagobah and . . . WHAT THE FUCK???
Why does Luke have green hair? WHY DOES LUKE HAVE GREEN HAIR?? Or is that supposed to be a helmet? He didn’t wear a helmet on Dagobah in the movie! What the everloving FUCK???
I’m starting to wonder if these game designers actually saw the movie. Anyway, the music’s still dropping in and out in five-second bursts, but at least it’s different themes now. You kill a couple of swamp creatures and then Obi-Wan’s ghost interrupts you yet again.
Well gee, Obi-Wan, I had no idea I was here to look for Yoda, thanks for telling me the same thing you told me on Hoth!
Already, the game’s difficulty is back. See the thing in the screenshot that looks like a miniature version of Snuffy from Sesame Street?
Well when Luke starts climbing that vine, the creature starts jumping from side to side SUPER fast and it’s almost impossible to avoid it. There’s also a snake climbing up and down the vine because of course. Fortunately, the snake can be killed, but only with the blaster. After climbing up and down a bunch of vines and killing a bunch of nature’s creatures, you fight two giant spiders in a row – one of which hardly even moves and practically lets you kill it.
Then Luke goes looking for Yoda up in the trees. Hey Obi-Wan, you might want to tell him that there’s no way Yoda would be in a tree.
Well, Obi-Wan does show up when you’re in the trees, but only to tell you to trust the power of the Force. Do you have anything useful to say, Obi-Wan, or do you just like the sound of your own voice?
Anyway, now Luke gets to swing on vines because the game developers apparently think he’s Tarzan.
Sorry for the overload of screenshots, but this level is damn weird. I get it, there wasn’t a lot of action going on when Luke went looking for Yoda in the movie, but I think the added action could be better here. Especially if, oh, THE MUSIC DIDN’T KEEP DROPPING OUT AFTER FIVE SECONDS.
And what fun, a giant grasshopper attacks you. Yes, let me repeat that, a GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER attacks Luke. Holy shit, where was this thing in the movie? Why didn’t Luke fight a GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER in the movie – it would have made the movie SO much better! Moreover, the thing can push you off the branches and all the way back to the beginning of the level – isn’t that great? What AWESOME game design to have a boss that can push you all the way back the beginning of the level – that won’t drive people insane at all!
In fact, the walkthrough at GameFAQ doesn’t even tell you how to fight it – it instead tells you to super-jump over it and run away. Yeah, you don’t even have to fight the thing – it’s just there to ruin your day. You can jump over it and climb up to a higher branch where it can’t get you. Seriously, talk about a stupid boss. It can knock you back to the beginning of the level and you don’t even get the satisfaction of killing it unless you decide that you want to waste a bunch of time trying to fight it without getting knocked back.
Well, after scaling through some more trees, you FINALLY find Yoda, who looks like a Gremlin.
Yoda tells you that he’ll start training you and your first task is to cross the swamp, cause that’s an important skill for a Jedi, I guess. Water instantly kills Luke because I guess living on Tatooine for so long caused him to develop a water allergy, so you have to wait for the little rafts to float towards you.
Float down the swamp, jump over some hills, kill some swamp creatures, float down some more rafts, then you’ll get attacked by another GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER, but just like the first one, you can super-jump over it.
A little climbing and a couple of giant spider fights later, you run into an exploding mushroom. Yes, an EXPLODING MUSHROOM. Dagobah has mushrooms that FUCKING EXPLODE. I’m not making this up. Eventually another GIANT FUCKING GRASSHOPPER pushes you into a deep pit, where you fight another giant spider and get a new Force power, complete with Yoda’s voice saying “Use the Force.”
Well, okay, but how do we get out of the hole? Turns out the new Force power is levitation. So yeah, Force levitation WAS a thing before the sequel trilogy.
After some more hopping around and killing spiders, you run into Yoda again and he offers his words of wisdom.
It’s time for the fight with Force Vision Vader! Oh boy, this should be EPIC!
Well, actually, Force Vision Vader just walks back and forth and swings his lightsaber at you. And of course, there’s no epic boss music to make the fight more awesome. All you need to do is time your jumps over him and lightsaber him a few times and he goes down.
After the fight, you run for a bit and then Luke has his vision of Han and Leia in danger.
And . . . wait, WHAT?? Yoda TELLS LUKE TO GO AFTER THEM???
Okay, now I’m convinced that the game developers DIDN’T see the movie. That was a MAJOR PLOT POINT that Yoda and Obi-Wan told Luke to stay on Dagobah and that if he left he could destroy what Leia and Han were suffering for! YOU. FUCKING. IDIOTS!!!
(takes deep breath) Okay, okay, I’m calm, but since Luke’s on his way to Bespin now, I have a little question.
WHY WASN’T THERE A LEVEL OF THE FALCON GOING THROUGH THE ASTEROID FIELD?????
Don’t tell me they don’t have the technology to do it – we had all those X-Wing levels in the ANH game AND the Falcon going through Alderaan’s remains! How the FUCK do you have an ESB game without at least one Falcon level???
(takes another deep breath) Okay, okay, I’m calm (again). Break time, so here’s another awesome Star Wars song that happens to parody one of my all-time favorite songs.
