Liesel Plays Star Wars Games

The Super Nintendo is my favorite game console (although I do adore my Nintendo Switch as well) It was like the Empire Strikes Back to the NES’s A New Hope – it took everything that made the NES great and improved on it exponentially. Sooooo many amazing games that remain classics to this day came out on the SNES.

But you’re not here to listen to me ramble about the console – you’re here to watch me play the Super Star Wars games. Well, we’re starting with A New Hope, of course. I played and beat these games a while back, but it’s been a few years, so time to leap back into them. They’re awesome . . . but INSANELY difficult, even when you play on quote-unquote “Easy” mode. “Easy” in this case just means “not quite as insanely impossible as the other two modes.”



From the very beginning, you can tell that we’re leaps above the NES Star Wars games. A Wookiee growl sound is heard when you press the Start button and then you’re treated to the opening crawl with a glorious 16-bit rendition of the Star Wars theme. Then when the first level starts – look, Luke’s sprite actually looks like Luke!



Of course, you don’t have much time before creatures start attacking you. Fortunately, you’ve got tight controls and a trusty blaster, plus most of the enemies drop health-restoring hearts when you kill them. First level’s pretty basic – you run around the Tatooine desert killing scorpions, serpents that pop out the ground, giant scorpions that split up into two regular-sized scorpions, and other enemies. Along the way you pick up a blaster powerup, which gives your blaster a cool flame boost with a neat sound effect. It’s so damn fun, then before you know it, you’re at the level boss . . . the Sarlacc.



Yeah, don’t ask me what Luke’s doing in the Sarlacc pit, but since he doesn’t want to be digested for a thousand years, we’ve gotta fight it.

Since this is the first boss battle, it’s not so hard. You can actually defeat the thing by just standing off to the side and shooting at it. Sure, you’ll take damage, but if you start the battle with full health and your blaster has the flame booster, the monster will go down long before you will.

After the battle, Luke finds 3PO next to the crashed escape pod. Yeah, instead of Uncle Owen buying the droids, Luke just runs into 3PO, but that’s an understandable change for a video game adaptation since, well, there’s no action when Owen buys the droids (and hell, it’s nothing insane like Vader turning into a scorpion). As you’ll see, the cutscenes in this game are beautifully rendered.



Once again, we’ve gotta rescue R2 from the Jawas. You know, I’m noticing a pattern in these ANH games where you’re tasked with rescuing R2 from Jawas even though in the movie Owen just buys the droids from the Jawas. Guess it’s a way to get some more action in.



Level 2: Luke and 3PO are driving the landspeeder to the sandcrawler in a psudo-3D Mode-7 perspective. You’ve got to shoot twelve Jawas off their hoverbikes before you can get to the sandcrawler. Why twelve? Who knows – it’s video game logic, but they make their signature “Ootidi!” sound when you shoot them off their bikes. You’ve also got to make sure your landspeeder doesn’t run out of fuel, but there are fuel refills you can pick up throughout the level. Pretty straightforward stuff – shoot those twelve Jawas and head for the sandcrawler. Of course, the Jawas are also shooting relentlessly at you the whole time.

Well, we’re at the sandcrawler, but we still need to get IN the sandcrawler, and the Jawas don’t intend to make that easy. Apparently they’ve devised an elaborate series of moving platforms that you need to jump around in order to get in. Yes, it’s one of those levels where you need precise jumping and timing in order to advance.



Fortunately, at the beginning of the level you can collect two powerups that increase your maximum health and the sandcrawler has another blaster powerup that seeks out enemies, so the enemies themselves aren’t much of a problem. Unfortunately, if you miss a jump, you’ll probably fall back to the bottom of the sandcrawler and have to start your climb all over again. It’s entirely possible to run out the timer while jumping around the moving platforms. Hell, even though I’ve played this before, I had around thirty seconds left when I finally reached the top, shot the sandcrawler’s guns, and jumped into the sandcrawler to end the level.



Into the sandcrawler, which, as we know from the NES games, is bound to be full of death traps. Luke falls down into the sandcrawler’s bowels and yup, death traps from the get-go. Not only are endless Jawas trying to kill him, but there are elevators you’ve got to jump on, cannons that shoot lasers and fire, spiky floors (what’s an old-school platformer without spikes?), and most irritating of all, these electric gates.



These gates can’t be destroyed. At all. Moreover, they’ll instantly activate once you get close to them. The only way to get through them is to slide through them before they can activate, which takes some really precision timing. You’ll probably fail most of your attempts and take hits in the process.

Oh, and there are also conveyor belts and these giant guns that you have to shoot off the ceiling.



But hey, at least the Jawas sometimes drop different powerups in addition to hearts to help you out. They might drop shields that can temporarily protect you from blasts, time limit extensions, or . . . er, point bonuses. Yeah, who gives a shit about points – those don’t really help you at all.

Eventually you’ll reach a room where you can time your jumps on dropping platforms to get a bunch of hearts and health extensions. Then you’ll jump on an elevator going down – but it takes you to the flowing sand, and you’d better jump off before you get to the sand because the sand automatically kills Luke . . . for some reason. Yeah, he grew up in the desert but flowing sand kills him. Maybe it’s those sand-hating genes he inherited from his father.

The boss of this level is a GIANT LAVA BEAST! Shit, since when do Jawas keep such dangerous creatures around?



But although he looks menacing, he’s not that hard if you stocked up on health in the last room and collected the two blaster powerups in this level. Just stand on the platform next to him, jump to avoid his lava attacks, and shoot him til he drops. Then you can go get R2.

Fun tidbit: in the cutscene of Leia’s message that follows, the Leia hologram actually flickers like in the movie. Unfortunately, if I try to take a screenshot, the Leia hologram won’t show up in it – probably has something to do with the flickering.

The next level is pure chaos. You’ve got to navigate the Tatooine caves (great, more caves) while fending off Jawas, Sandpeople, creatures that leave behind pools of sticky goo when you shoot them, bats, and of course, rocks that can crush you.



Oh, and that’s not all. A couple of time you have to precisely jump around tiny floating rocks, some of which can’t support your weight and will sink down once you step on them.



Fortunately, the level isn’t long, and when you reach Obi-Wan he’s . . . standing around with his head bowed like a monk. For some reason I find that hilarious.



But anyway, we get another nicely-rendered cutscene of Obi-Wan and Luke’s conversation.



Then they listen to Leia’s message, which is the same as it is in the movie except for one word – but it’s a rather important word that might potentially change things pretty dramatically.

In the movie, Leia says that Obi-Wan has to get R2 delivered to Bail on Alderaan, but here, she says to deliver R2 to Bail on . . . Yavin.

Now as we all know, in canon Bail died when Alderaan went kaboom, but if he’s on Yavin 4 here . . . does that mean Bail actually SURVIVES in this version of events??

Of course the game isn’t going to tell us, but it’s something to think about.

Anyway, after the message, Obi-Wan gives Luke Anakin’s lightsaber, so now you have two weapons you can switch between whenever you want. You’ll probably want to use the lightsaber most of the time, though, since the lightsaber gives you the best move in the game. Attack with the lightsaber while doing a somersaulting jump and you’ll basically become an unstoppable spinning attack blade.

Of course, we’ve still got to get to Mos Eisley, and even with the lightsaber, it won’t be an easy trip. Now Sandpeople are chasing Luke down relentlessly and oh yeah, we’ve got to fight BANTHAS.



The banthas also EXPLODE when you kill them. I guess the Sandpeople had explosives planted in their stomachs or something.

You’ll also never guess what this level’s boss is. Go ahead, take a guess.

Did you guess?

Okay, here it is.

A mutant womp rat.



Yes, a MUTANT womp rat. Womp rats usually aren’t very big, but this one apparently mutated and got huge. You’ll need to keep an eye on your health during this battle, but there are regular-sized womp rats that you can kill for a bit of extra health.

Next is another landspeeder level which is the same as the previous one, except now you have to shoot twenty Jawas. There also seem to be more environmental hazards this time around, but don’t quote me there. Anyway, shoot the Jawas and head towards Mos Eisley.

I think it might be time for a break. After all, we’re going to Mos Eisley, and that means you-know-who’s going to show up soon!

So, Luke’s in Egypt. Or the Death Star. Or the Egyptian Death Star. Or an acid trip. I’m starting to think that last one’s the most likely scenario. Anyway, let’s see what’s next in this insane-as-fuck game.

Well, you go through a few more rooms with some creatures and some spikes, but nothing too interesting. I’m noticing that the actual platforming in this game is kind of dull. Anyway, soon you run into Darth Vader. Again. So he’s not a scorpion anymore. Maybe he’ll turn into a mummy this time – it wouldn’t surprise me since we’re on Planet Egypt/Death Star/Whatever.



Oh no, Vader turning into a mummy on Planet Egypt would make too much sense (damn, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say). No, instead he turns into a pterodactyl skeleton! No, I’m not making that up – here’s a pic to prove it.



This is starting to be a contender for “weirdest game I’ve ever played.” Luke says something in Japanese that I’m going to imagine is “Fuck, Dad, what was Palpatine ON when he created you??” Anyway, it’s the same basic battle as before – lightsaber Vader until he falls – except this time Pterodactyl Vader can fly around and dive-bomb you, which makes the one-hit deaths really annoying.

After the battle, you head back to Obi-Wan’s area and see that the electric whatever-they-ares that were holding him in place are gone now, so . . . I guess Luke rescued him? Do we leave the Egyptian temple or wherever the fuck we are now?



No, we still need to GET to Obi-Wan, and now we reach one of the most unfair sections I’ve ever seen in a game. See this room here? If you jump down any of these gaps, you’ll end up in another room full of spikes and you’ll land on the spikes and die.



The only way to get safely down is to climb down the ladder – which is barricaded by blocks you need to destroy. I COULD destroy them with the blaster, but the Pterodactyl Vader battle switched me back to the lightsaber, which doesn’t have enough range to destroy the blocks before Luke falls to his death. So how the fuck do I switch back to the blaster? As far as I can tell, you can’t – you have to go to the pause menu and select the picture of the lightsaber. Since I can’t speak Japanese, I had to go through every powerup in the pause menu until I learned that the little lightsaber picture causes the lightsaber to shoot projectiles (just go with it), so you jump carefully over to the little nook in the left-hand side and shoot those projectiles at the blocks without falling.

Maybe those crystals you collect boost the powerups on the start menu, I don’t know. Anyway, I rescue Obi-Wan and it looks like Luke is asking him out on a date.



I’ll imagine the Japanese text says “Ben, will you marry me?” Okay, any chance of getting back to the actual plot of A New Hope any time soon?

Outside the Egyptian temple thing, Luke can jump into a landspeeder that can bounce if you press A. It can run through stormtroopers, and you can make it go faster or slower, but it will still likely crash after thirty seconds because the controls for the thing are awkward as hell.



Moreover, when the thing crashes, Luke will likely land on an obstacle or enemy and die instantly. It took me a BUNCH of tries, but I finally made it to the end of the level, where the Falcon takes off again. So . . . I guess we weren’t on the Death Star – the Falcon apparently took a side trip to Planet Egypt because reasons. Anyway, we’re back in the Falcon. 3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “I am C-3PO, your official drug-providing droid. Did you enjoy that trip?” We shoot some more TIEs and then the Falcon lands on . . . a sea planet? Hey, does anyone remember the DEATH STAR PLANS? Do those ring a bell?



Well, now Luke dons scuba gear and maybe he’s looking for the lost city of Atlantis – I wouldn’t put that past this game.



You swim around avoiding fish and spikes – by the way, when Luke dies underwater, he explodes into bubbles. I wish Jar Jar would show up – at least then I’d know I was playing a Star Wars game. The game developers seem to have forgotten that they were developing a Star Wars game. Hell, if it weren’t for the 8-bit Star Wars theme playing over and over, I think I’d forget I was playing a Star Wars game.

By the way, when did Luke learn to swim? He grew up on a freakin’ DESERT PLANET.

You know, I’m one of the few gamers in the world who doesn’t hate water levels. There are games like the Donkey Kong Country games and Super Mario 64 that make water levels beautifully atmospheric, but this . . . this is one of those water levels that makes me understand why most gamers hate water levels. The controls are wonky even by water level standards and all you do is swim around and avoid fish and spikes (and of course, one touch by an enemy or obstacle kills you).

Finally you reach Vader . . . underwater. Yes, Vader’s suit apparently allows him to breathe underwater. Well, let’s see what kind of fish he turns into.



Vader says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “Pathetic, THIS is how you rock the breathing apparatus!” and it’s time for an underwater lightsaber fight. A freakin’ UNDERWATER LIGHTSABER FIGHT, it should be awesome, but we have to remember what game we’re playing.

Welp, Vader turns into a shark this time around. Maybe this isn’t actually Vader who keeps shapeshifting – maybe it’s a Clawdite posing as Vader. Or maybe the game developers saw the version of Star Wars where Vader IS a Clawdite who can shapeshift into different animals. You guys remember that version of the movie, right?



Well, same story as before, lightsaber Vader Shark (do do do do do do) until he disappears, then you find 3PO trapped in those same electric fence things Obi-Wan was trapped in.



Okay, HOW THE FUCK did 3PO get himself captured on this sea planet or wherever the fuck we are? Did he jump out of the Falcon because he wanted to take a swim? Seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON? Are we EVER going to get to the Death Star or did the game developers forget that it exists?

3PO says something in Japanese that I’ll imagine is “No Master Luke, I have no idea what the game developers were on either,” then the Falcon takes off and you get a message from Leia . . . who looks like she’s twelve years old, and blonde.



Is anyone surprised at this point? The game developers clearly saw the version of the movie where Leia is a twelve-year-old girl and the Falcon went to Egypt and a sea planet on the way to Alderaan and Vader is a Clawdite. Makes perfect sense to me.

What’s Leia saying? I don’t know, maybe it’s “Comparing my hair to cinnamon rolls got old a long time ago.” But hey look, we FINALLY get to the Death Star! Nice of the game developers to remember that minor plot detail from the movie.



Well, after shooting some TIEs, the Falcon flies into the Death Star and we’re finally doing something that resembles the movie! Wow, imagine that!

Of course, the excitement wears off once we actually get into the level. This level requires you to take blind jumps off platforms and quickly steer yourself to the left or right while falling before a laser beam kills you. Oh boy, don’t you LOVE blind jumps? Isn’t it just GREAT to leap off a platform and not know if you’ll fall to your death?

Many of the paths also lead to dead ends with just some stormtroopers to fight. Oh, and there are spikes. LOTS of spikes. Yeah, this game took a page from the American version of the game and decorated the Death Star with spikes, and if you even touch the SIDE of the spikes you’re dead.

I am seriously lost, guys. I’ve been going through the same passages over and over and OVER. It might be time to go to GameFAQs.

Okay, I went to GameFAQ and apparently there’s a door you have to slash with your lightsaber. Yeah, even though you aren’t able to enter open doorways, you’re apparently supposed to figure out with the Force that you can slash through closed doors with two vertical lines on them.

Allow me to quote a much funnier video game reviewer than me.

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????

You also run into green Boba Fett behind one of the doors.



And you FINALLY find Leia, who even in sprite form still looks twelve.



And oh look, she kisses Luke when you find her (and she’s blonde again). Did these game developers not see Return of the Jedi? Oh, why am I asking myself that – they didn’t even see A New Hope, yet alone Return of the Jedi. I’ll imagine those Japanese characters say “Oh wow, incest is so HOT!”



Oh, and they choose NOW to actually follow the movie – you have to lightsaber open the garbage grate to get into the trash compactor and battle the Dianoga. Course, knowing this game, maybe the Dianoga’s Vader.



After you slash the Dianoga, the walls start closing in, but thanks to the walkthrough, I know to open the start menu to select R2 and contact him to shut down the compactor.

Then there’s some more wandering around the Death Star. At a couple of points you have use Luke’s Force levitation, which I didn’t even know he had until I looked at the walkthrough. Anyway, I finally found Vader.



Anyone want to guess what kind of animal he’ll turn into this time? Well, let’s see. Maybe he’ll become a snake or a lion or something weird like a giant cockroach.

Okay, I’m fighting him, but he hasn’t turned into anything. Wait, what? Vader’s actually NOT going to turn into an animal? Weird.

Also, after you hit Vader once, none of your other hits will affect him until you contact Obi-Wan in the start menu. Yeah, you can TOTALLY figure that out without a walkthrough, thanks game.

Anyway, Obi-Wan says something that I’ll imagine is “I’m too lazy to battle Vader this time, so you do it” and you fight Vader. Of course, if he touches you once, you’re dead, so this battle can get frustrating. Best strategy I’ve found is to jump over him and lightsaber him while jumping.

Now it’s the same story as before – the Falcon takes off from the Death Star and now you get a message from Chewie . . . who apparently speaks Japanese.



This is also the first time that Chewie’s appeared in ANY of these NES Star Wars games, so that’s something.

Anyway, more TIE Fighters to shoot (do we have to shoot TIEs after EVERY level?), and I think it’s break time. Here’s another Star Wars song parody.

Yoda told Luke to go after his friends. I’m sorry, I just can’t get over that. Yoda told Luke to go after his friends. What next, will Yoda be telling Luke that yes, there’s totally still good in Vader and they should try to save him from the dark side?

Well, I’ve still got to finish this game, so let’s go back to the insanity. Luke flies over to Bespin and he’s immediately greeted by enemy cloud cars, some of which are orange because why not?



Basically, you fly around and shoot the enemy ships and TIE Fighters. You can fly behind the clouds, which is kind of cool, but, ah, I have a question. Since Vader wants to turn Luke to the dark side, why is he sending the TIEs out to shoot him? Seems that shooting Luke down would be counterproductive to Vader’s plan.

Anyway, after you get all the ships, Luke lands on Bespin and I have no fucking idea what he’s wearing now, so make up your own joke here.



Seriously, they replicated Luke’s snowsuit from the movie pretty well in the Hoth levels, so what’s with these weird getups now? Anyway, the music’s still dropping in and out, but that’s to be expected by now. After killing a couple of probe droids, you run into Lando, who’s white.



Not just white, but like VAMPIRE white. My God, did they run out of brown pixels or something? This game just keeps getting weirder.

Lando doesn’t bother introducing himself and just says R2 can shut down the laser beams for a short time. Wow, R2 actually gets to do something! Just up ahead are some laser gates, which R2 lets you pass through – by getting himself electrocuted in the process. Yup, the little droid hurts himself so Luke can go through.



Of course Cloud City is crawling with stormtroopers because why wouldn’t it be? Shortly after this, Leia contacts Luke via . . . the Force? Or did she leave a message in R2? I don’t know, the point is that there are bounty hunters everywhere.



After some more R2 electrocution, you get attacked by a bounty hunter that I assume is Zukkus. He does lethal somersaults that can kill you instantly, depending on your health level, so the boosted lightsaber is a must.



Get caught in his somersault and you’re pretty much dead, so the best strategy is to jump over him while he’s shooting at you, let him somersault in the other direction, then lightsaber him when he’s somersaulting back, repeat. With the lightsaber boost it doesn’t take long to kill him.

After killing him, R2 electrocutes himself for you some more and you run into another bounty hunter who does gymnastics at you. I’m not sure who this guy is, but after you kill him, he’s got a clone to fight after a conveyor belt. Oh, you know what’s funny? If Luke dies on the conveyor belt, the belt carries his corpse on its merry way.



After fighting THREE of these guys and going through a maze of conveyor belts, you can fight and steal another AT-ST walker. It can walk through laser gates and kill bounty hunters like nothing, so you feel like a badass as you go back through the maze to go through the laser gates R2 wouldn’t go through earlier, where you can get a new Force power. Of course, then you have to go all the way back the other way.

After some more exploring the maze, you get to fight Boba Fett, which is tedious. Even with the lightsaber boost, it takes forever for him to go flying away – and that’s if you survive to the end of the fight.

When Boba goes flying off, you run after him and see his ship take off. Leia tells you that Boba has Han and to go after him . . . wait, go after him? What do you mean go after him? For that matter, in the movie Boba took off and . . . OH SHIT, they’re about to REALLY screw with canon, aren’t they?



Oh fuck me. Just FUCK ME. Yes, Luke takes off in his X-Wing to go after Boba. You’ve got another flying level where you shoot at Slave 1 . . . which has frozen Han on it. Um, tell me, Luke, isn’t trying to shoot down Boba’s ship kind of counterproductive to saving Han when Han’s STILL ON THE SHIP?



Also, Boba’s ship sounds like birds tweeting when it shoots at you . . . for some reason. I’ve given up trying to apply reason to this game. This battle’s also FRUSTRATING AS HELL. It only takes a few hits from Slave 1 for the X-Wing to blow up and it’s nearly impossible to get a clear shot without taking damage yourself.

With an INSANE amount of patience, you eventually blow up Boba’s ship (with Han on it? I mean, we don’t see Luke actually rescuing Han, so did Luke just kill his best friend?) and return to Cloud City because, yeah, that’s how things went in canon, we all remember that from the movie, right?

Oh wait, take a step and Han thanks you and says Leia’s in trouble. So . . . Luke not only rescued Han, but he also woke Han up from carbonite . . . by blowing up Boba’s ship with Han on it?? Or was Han never frozen in this version of events – with how much they’ve fucked canon up, it wouldn’t surprise me if they skipped the whole carbon-freezing thing.



And why is Leia in trouble? Aren’t she and Lando and Chewie escaping in the Falcon? Oh fuck it, there’s no telling what’s going on now.

Maybe the game developers made the game so difficult on purpose so no one would see how they’re butchering canon. Well, they didn’t count on people eventually inventing save states.

Anyway, back to Cloud City. Only a little more of this game to go, people! More conveyor belts, more bounty hunters, more gears, more stormtroopers, more music dropping out after five seconds, it’s business as usual. There’s a super-irritating spot where you’ve got to fight a whole bunch of bounty hunters in a row – the best course of action is to do your best to jump over them and run away, then when you’ve got the space to do it, levitate over them.

Eventually you run into . . . another Zukkus, except this one’s turquoise, so maybe it’s Zukkus’s brother or something, who knows?

Kill him and you find Leia, who also looks like a vampire. Maybe there’s a vampiric curse going around Bespin, it wouldn’t surprise me at this point.



Leia warns you that Vader’s here and oh boy, I can’t wait to see how they butcher the “I am your father” scene.



Luke and Vader both draw red lightsabers (just go with it) and we hear Vader’s voice saying “The Force is with you, young Skywalker,” which I’ll admit is pretty damn cool. After that we get a cool 8-bit rendition of the Imperial March which lasts a full TEN seconds before it drops out instead of five! WOW!

I think this game is getting to me.

Anyway, plow through some Ugnaughts and stormtroopers to get to Vader and WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK??



No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Vader is using a blaster. DARTH VADER is using a blaster. Let me repeat that – DARTH FUCKING VADER IS USING A FUCKING BLASTER!!

I got nothing. Seriously. I think my brain just shut down from the madness that is the NES Empire Strikes Back game.

Oh, and that’s not all. Sometimes he swaps out the blaster for a lightsaber . . . which is BLUE.



Apparently Vader and Luke thought it would be fun to switch lightsabers. O-kay, there’s a spot on the left-hand side of the screen where Vader can’t hurt you, so the battle’s real simple. After the battle, Vader vanishes while saying “Impressive,” so was he Force-projecting himself or did he just leave? I can’t tell what’s what anymore.

Explore the facility some more and you’ll run into Vader again. Second verse, same as the first. Again you can move to the far left and lightsaber him from there, and again he disappears when you beat him. Then you get to fight him a THIRD time and AGAIN you can just jump over him to the left where he can’t touch you.



This is the last level, right? What, after making us fight through all the grind of the previous levels, the game developers decided to reward us by making the last level super-easy? I’m not complaining, but that seems a bit backwards to me.

Vader disappears yet again, so you go through a few more Ugnaughts and stormtroopers, then you encounter Vader again on a mess of pillars.



Well, this time around Vader jumps from pillar to pillar in an extremely simple pattern. This battle’s a bit harder than the previous three, but there’s a certain pillar that he never lands on. Time your jumps right from this pillar and you can kick his ass, then he disappears again, blah blah blah.

After going through some more of the facility, you run into another one of those annoying bounty hunters – who puts up more of a fight than Vader does. Seriously. At one point Yoda interrupts you and tells you to use the Force, which is a cue to start levitating.

Then you fight Vader AGAIN and he’ll use that trusty BLASTER. After the fight, he tells you to join the dark side. Okay, so this is where Luke learns his parentage, right?



Wait, that’s all he says before disappearing AGAIN? The FUCK?

Okay, you run to the right and you run into Vader YET AGAIN (how is he teleporting all over the place?) and hear his actual voice say “The Force is with you, young Skywalker.” Okay, this HAS to be the final boss fight, so we’re going to get something EPIC, right?

Right?

This time around, he makes stuff fly around with the Force while he’s attacking you, but that’s the only thing that’s different. Oh, and there’s no safe spot where he can’t attack you either. Use the lightsaber booster and jump around a lot and then . . . wait, WHAT???



Luke . . . defeated . . .Vader . . .

Luke . . . defeated . . . Vader . . .

LUKE FUCKING DEFEATED VADER???

So . . . no parentage reveal? No hand amputation? The FUCK??

By the way, that’s the ending screen. The only thing after that is a wall of text talking about how the Emperor will strike again and the Rebels will continue their fight and blah blah blah it will soon be time for the Return of the Jedi.



Which is a lie – they never made a Return of the Jedi NES game. I mean, why would they? Luke already rescued Han, so there’s no need to go to Jabba’s palace, and he already (gag) bested Vader, so there’s no need to face him again in order to become a Jedi. Hell, since Vader never revealed that he was Luke’s father, now Luke will feel no need to redeem him. The whole thing’s been fucked up beyond saving.

I have a theory about this, though. This game came out in 1992, when the Super Nintendo had already been out for several months. The first Super Star Wars game would be released later in the year, so I have a feeling that JVC Digital Studios wanted to concentrate on the hot new console instead of the NES, so that’s why the ESB NES game ends . . . the way it does, so there wouldn’t be as much pressure to release another Star Wars game for the NES. That’s just a theory, though.

So, what do I think of this game? Well . . . it’s weird. Weird and hard, and I don’t feel the satisfaction that I felt after I beat the original NES Star Wars game, which was much more fun than this one. It really does feel like the ESB game developers either didn’t see the movie or completely missed the point of it. I get it, you change things when you adapt something to a different medium, but the original NES Star Wars game managed to keep the flavor and most of the plot points of the movie, while the ESB game just . . . ignores canon for no apparent reason. Plus, in the original game you could play as all three of the heroes, while here you can just play as Luke, which means you miss a good chunk of the plot. Even if you ignore how this game is based on a beloved movie, if you strip the game of its Star Wars-ness, you’re left with a rather average difficult platformer, and the music, blech. Why the HELL does the music keep dropping out?

The voice samples are cool, though.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

So what’s next? Well, I could go to the next console generation and replay the Super Star Wars games, but there’s actually another NES Star Wars game to try out, though it was never released in America. You thought this game was weird? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Yes, I’m trying the JAPANESE Star Wars game.

Welcome back to the madness! When we last left Luke, he had finally escaped the Hoth caves (what is with these games and caves?) and the Empire was about to attack. Let’s see what’s in store for us this time.



This level actually feels like an updated version of the Atari 2600 ESB game (but the AT-ATs don’t change colors now, shame). Just like in that game, you’re flying around in the snowspeeder and shooting at AT-ATs, and what do you know, there’s actually MUSIC now that doesn’t drop out after five seconds, imagine that. Of course, it still does drop out every so-often, but at least it lasts longer than five seconds, so I’ll take what I can get. Anyway, you fly around and hammer the buttons to shoot the AT-ATs.



However, there’s a twist this time around. Your snowspeeder is constantly depleting in fuel, and when it inevitably runs out, the snowspeeder crashes and Luke’s left on the ground (I guess Dak’s already dead). You have to run up and down the slippery ground, killing stormtroopers and collecting the little S letters that they drop. I guess S stands for snowspeeder, but anyway, they restore your health and I guess fill up your snowspeeder’s fuel tank . . . or something? Why are these stormtroopers walking around with snowspeeder fuel on their persons?



Anyway, after killing several stormtroopers, you’ll find your snowspeeder good as new, then you hop back in it and return to shooting at AT-ATs. This goes on for several rounds until you bring down all the AT-ATs and then . . . Luke returns to Echo Base? What? So were the Rebels actually victorious in driving off the Empire? That’s not how the movie goes.

So . . . yeah, Luke’s now back at Echo Base for some reason, but now he has to escape – so I guess the Empire still took over the base. Why did Luke bother returning to the base if he just has to leave it again?



Oh . . . you take one step and Leia calls saying she’s blocked off, so I guess Luke needs to get her out. Nevermind that it was HAN who helped Leia escape in the movie – I guess he’s still lazing around and not lifting a finger to do anything.

So, Luke’s wandering around Echo Base and we’re back to the music dropping out after five seconds. Did they not have a big music budget for this game or something? If you go past a door, it will open and stormtroopers will come out, but you can easily kill them. You can do some wandering around to find a boost to your lightsaber (you’ll probably need a walkthrough to avoid getting lost), then you use that boost to kill an AT-ST. It would be more exciting if the music didn’t keep dropping out.

Eventually, Han will call and tell you there’s an Imperial walker nearby with no one on it.



Uh . . . why? Why did the Imperials leave an empty walker sitting around? And why isn’t Han actually DOING SOMETHING? Hey Han, your girlfriend’s trapped – you might want to go help her!

Anyway, you find the walker and you can steal it – okay, NOW things are getting awesome! The thing can even jump!



By the way, it’s kind of gruesome and hilarious how the stormtroopers at gun cannons will slump over when you shoot them. Other stormtroopers just disappear when you kill them, but these guys – they show you the pixely reality of death.



Unfortunately, the AT-ST is only good for destroying some laser canons and then you have to dismount by blowing it up. Yes, dismounting blows it up – I guess the Empire installed a self-destruct mechanism or something. Anyway, you’re back to hopping around and killing stormtroopers until Leia tells you that you can’t cross the damaged area on foot.



Well gee, it might be nice to have that WALKER now. I think maybe the game required us to blow it up just so it could take more of our time.

Anyway, you have to battle another AS-ST walker and jump into its remains to steal it. Incidentally, if you leave the screen without jumping into the walker’s remains, the remains disappear and the walker doesn’t come back. Yes, you’re stuck, so you have to get a game over and start the level over, with Vader’s 8-bit breathing mocking you.



After you use the walker to cross the exposed circuitry, you’ve got to blow this one up too, collect a blaster booster, and head for the boss, which is . . . ANOTHER probe droid. Yes, what fun. Fortunately, with the blaster booster, this one’s easier than that slog of a battle with the earlier probe droid boss. After you kill this boss, then you run into a SUPER-ENHANCED-SOUPED-UP-AT-ST WALKER!

Seriously, this thing is RUTHLESS. You need the lightsaber booster and you’ll probably die a few times before you can kill it (thank God for save states), but when you defeat it, it starts running around with just its legs intact, which is pretty funny.



So now you save Leia . . . at least I GUESS you save Leia. The game doesn’t actually show you saving Leia – it just shows Luke taking off in his X-Wing and heading for Dagobah, so . . . maybe Han actually did something and got them off in the Falcon like in the movie? Maybe? Anyway, since we’re finally off Hoth, I think this is a good time for a break. Here’s a song about Yoda’s maybe-son in the meantime.

We’re back! Sorry it took a while, but work and school have to come first. Anyway, Han just became a playable character, so what’s next in store for the NES Star Wars game?

Well, Han’s blaster is much stronger than Luke’s, so that’s a plus, but he can’t use a lightsaber, which is a minus. Also, the music switches to Han and Leia’s love theme when you play as Han, even though he hasn’t met Leia yet.

I could switch back to Luke since he has the lightsaber, but this is my Han, dammit! I’m going to keep him at least until we leave Tatooine, even if he explodes a hundred times on the way. The pathway to Docking Bay 94 is crawling with stormtroopers and Boba Fett wannabe bounty hunters. Han doesn’t have a PRAYER against the bounty hunters who shoot a spray of fireballs in all directions, so he’d better do one of the things he does best: run. Oh, and now Jawas fall out of the sky and jump you as well, nice.

Well, it took a few tries, but I got to Docking Bay 94 without switching to Luke. Yeah, once again Han shows that you don’t need the Force to be awesome! But of course, once you arrive at Docking Bay 94, it can’t be as simple as just getting on the Falcon. First you fight through some more stormtroopers, then you find that a ladder’s blocking your way to the Falcon. Yes, a freakin’ LADDER’S keeping you from getting on the ship.

I’m STILL not switching to Luke, though.

Oh, of COURSE once you climb the ladder, there’s a gun turret right at the top. Why wouldn’t there be?



It’s time for another maze, and these damn gun turrets are EVERYWHERE. They shoot rapidly, they can’t be destroyed, and they’re virtually unavoidable. Oh, and THIS is rich – someone decided to put a Falcon shield in a corner behind TWO gun turrets.



I’m beginning to feel like the AVGN here, but SOMEHOW I managed to get the shield while only getting hit once, so I think that’s an accomplishment, but you’ve still got to fight your way past even more stormtroopers and gun turrets to get to the Falcon. Han, I love you, but WHY did you park your ship in the middle of such a convoluted maze?

FINALLY, I made it off of Tatooine without switching back to Luke! Give me a moment to do a happy dance and stare at the 8-bit rendition of Han’s beautiful face.



Oh wait, we’re not done? What, now we have to fly the Falcon through the remains of Alderaan? Wait, what do you MEAN I can’t shoot the rocks? WHY THE FUCK CAN’T THE FALCON SHOOT THE ROCKS??



Well yes, now you have to weave your way through the rocks that were once Alderaan and they’re FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Here’s where the Falcon shields you collected in the caves become essential – the number of shields you have determines how many times you can get hit before dying, but you’ll still do a LOT of dying. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the rocks’ pattern either – they’re just all over the place. Seriously, they seem to be more numerous here than the asteroids in ESB.

After a lot of tries, by some miracle I was able to get to the Death Star, thank the Force.

Should I switch back to Luke now? Maybe I’ll need the lightsaber for the Death Star, but I really like playing my Han. Honestly, this game’s kind of growing on me, especially now that we’re past the damn caves. It’s hard, but I’m finding it hard in a doable way.

The Death Star’s got a big maze of elevators – go up and down, reach a dead end, backtrack to last elevator, go up and down again. Oh, and mouse droids shoot at you. Yes, even MOUSE DROIDS are hostile in this game. After a while you’ll reach the computer terminal, then it’s up and down more elevators to the tractor beam generator, where you’ll actually have something that resembles a boss fight to disable the tractor beam (yup, the old fossil’s left you to do it for him). You’ve gotta climb ladders and shoot at the tractor beam’s weak spot while ducking the laser fire from moving gun turrets. It’s actually a pretty fun battle.



After the battle, guess what you have next? Right, more elevators. At least they’re not as annoying as the caves, and the layout isn’t too confusing . . . or maybe I was just lucky, since it only took me a few minutes to find Leia – who’s looking rather saucy.



Now you have Leia as a playable character – and she has her own theme music too. I gotta say, her buns make her sprite look . . . weird, like she's got a snail shell on her head or something.



Her blaster’s pretty useless, so I switched back to my Han. After going through more and more elevators, you end up in another maze of a room full of conveyor belts, hostile droids who can’t be killed (even GONK DROIDS can hurt you – and they’re invincible), and SPIKES. Why the Empire would build a room full of spikes in the Death Star, I have no idea. Maybe it’s like how there are always these catwalks over bottomless chasms in the movies.

I’m actually digging the sense of exploration through the Death Star. The game really does get better as it goes. Maybe if it didn’t start out with all those damn caves, then fewer people would rage-quit.

After this area, you end up in the trash compactor and have to fight the Dianoga while the sludge rises all around you. Great, I’m getting flashbacks to the Toxic Tower level from Donkey Kong Country 2 – one of the most teeth-gnashingly frustrating levels in any game ever and the main reason why I can’t love DKC2 as much as the first game.

Well, I did end up switching back to Luke for this part, since the lightsaber is much more effective against the Dianoga than Han’s blaster – in fact, it only takes one slice to kill it.



Uh-oh, now I’m at the final Death Star stage. If I remember correctly, this is the part that made the AVGN rage-quit. Am I stronger than him? Can my geekiness beat his nerdiness? The odds are against me, but . . . NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!

Well, you need Leia for this stage since she’s the best jumper, but her weapon is the weakest, so I’m swapping between the three of them. Swapping between them is also useful since they each have their own health bar. Spikes, spikes, spikes everywhere, so many spikes, so many air cannons that blow you right into the spikes. I’m not even going to bother with a screenshot, since if I take the time to take one, I’ll die from the spikes.

HOLY SHIT, I DID IT! I escaped the Death Star! YES! The rest of the game should be a piece of cake after all those damn spikes.



Now you’re back in the Falcon and gunning down TIEs. Hey look, you can move your crosshairs and shoot at the same time – take THAT, Atari 2600 Star Wars game!

And, uh, did I say the rest of the game would be a piece of cake? I’m already eating my words . . . uh, no pun intended. Those TIEs will kill you again and again and again and by the time you beat the stage your finger will be aching. But DAMN, it’s an awesome feeling when you finally beat it.

Well, we’re almost at the end, so I think it’s time for one more break. Next time, I will beat the game.